Never mind, I'm still angry

Today's theme definitely turned into a variation of "FUCK YOU I AM AWESOME AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT". Which is the decidedly less-then-polite way of saying that I didn't have the best day ever. And no, I don't want to talk about it.

Let's just say that I am really, really ready for life to stop being the emotional roller coaster from hell. I cannot DEAL with this. I am an emotional person - always have been and always will be so I might as well accept that fact - and us emotional people do not do well when everything is dumped on us at once. We cry. We get super sensitive. We lash out and cling and scream like banshees, all at the same time. You think it's scary being the observer? Try being the banshee.

It's not like there is an on/off switch for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Somedays it feels less like my heart and more like a giant target that screams "I'M RIGHT HERE, HIT ME!!" I am so.sick.of.it. And before you ask, yes, I am getting help. But the help doesn't help overnight. It's not a band aid (actually it's more like ripping one off, some days). And I'm not going figure out how to cope instantaneously. There is work. And I'm not usually one to be a slacker or unwilling to pull my weight, but I'd honestly rather bathe Parker all day than deal with some of the issues that are coming up.

But there are some things in life that you don't get a choice in, not if you want to be healthy and productive. Dealing with all of this...this sheer and utter crapshoot that my emotions have become is one of those not-so-awesome but important non-choices. And I hate that some of the control has been taken away from me. I hate not having complete ownership of myself. (I have control issues. Deal with it, because I'm tired of dealing with everything else.) I hate the feelings of loss and confusion, and the idea that other people have so much power over me - the power to turn my day from OK to awful with a few sentences or words. You can't tell me "They only have as much control as you give them." Bullshit. When your emotions are running mere centimeters below the surface, it's awfully freaking hard to not let other people affect you.

I don't want a pity party. I don't you to pat my hand and tell me that everything will ok with enough time and patience. Because it won't be. Time does not heal all things. And I suck at being patient. My life will not magically fix itself. I want people to stop looking at me like I'm crazy because I had a bad day. I have had a lot of bad days in the past 4 months, and I seriously doubt that I'm going to stop having them just because some people are uncomfortable with them.

My grandfather died. I was the driving force behind and planned my grandfather's memorial (with help from my mom and siblings). My ex-boyfriend made some very, very bad decisions and hurt me in ways that most people won't understand because I'm trying to be a mature person and respect his privacy, and because they haven't lived my life. An IT staff member from my alma mater passed away, as did my mother's accompanist. While I wasn't very close to the former, the latter and his family were good family friends. My grandmother was in the hospital this week. Other family members are dealing with things that I know are serious, and I'm worried for them. I have multiple friends in multiple states who are facing serious life decisions, and who come to me because I'm the "rational" one. In short, shit has gone down. It's still going down. And I'm dealing with it, but y'all have got to trust me when I say that I will get through it in my own way and own time.

I'm asking that you respect my anger and my hurt. They are going to be around for a while. I'll get through them, but it will be at my pace. I have to figure a lot of this out on my own terms, because I'm the one that to live with me. I love you all, but you don't get to live inside my head, and you don't have to sleep next to me at night. I do. I have to live with myself and my decisions.



(And in case anyone is thinking that now is a good time to talk to me about faith and reintroducing god into my life, and have to poor sense to bring such a subject up, I swear that you will be on the receiving end of the most terrifying conversation of your life. You will learn that I really do have the mouth of a Shakespearean sailor, among many other things. We will probably stop talking for several years after that conversation, and I will be sad to lose your friendship, but people who are insensitive idiots have no place in my life these days.)

Blank canvas

I really don't know what to say right now. I have nothing profound, no words of passion to share. Today I am a little tired, physically, emotionally and mentally, and I just don't have the drive to post something that will wow your socks off.

It's not that there's nothing going on in my life. Quite the opposite, in fact. ResNet preparations are gearing up, Bass Media stuff is getting ready to try out some new ideas (can't spill the beans on that one yet, though), new BMT training is back on track (and exciting), I'm getting better at throwing on the wheel, and I'm getting ready to jump into some new planning phases for choir. I'm trying really, really hard to remain positive every day, to be grateful for each day, and to spread joy and love to those around me. I'm focusing on how much good stuff I have going on for me. Some days it's easier than others, and when I'm a little down I've got a fantastic support system to keep me going.

Nothing overly dramatic has happened lately. Well, a family friend passed away last week, but he and I were not personally that close. Yes, his loss will be felt and I'm sure that my mother will never find the perfect accompanist for 8:00am Mass at Little Flower again; it's sad and I was sad. But it's not as dramatic as other things have been.

I'm no longer a sick and wheezy walking pile of mucus. So, WOO on that part.

If you follow me on Facebook you'll know that I'm pretty pissed about Notre Dame, Republicans in charge of Congress on state and national levels and that I Stand With Planned Parenthood. I'm concerned about workers' rights in Wisconsin, and while I'm not throwing my social networking weight behind the revolutions that are happening in the Middle East right now (probably because I feel that we need our own revolution at home right now), I am certainly sympathetic to their causes and cheering them on in the background. But I'm not going to blog about that today, either.

It's not that things don't interest me. I don't think I'm depressed, either. Trust me, I have been down that road and this is not the same feeling.

It's more...I want quiet time. Time for reflection and meditative regrouping. I have been through hell and back again in the last four months, with a couple of side trips to purgatory thrown in for good measure. I think I'm at the point where I'm done with the anger and the yelling and the "FUCK YOU I AM AWESOME AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT" attitude that I had - needed to have - to get myself through some tough personal stuff. It's time for the slightly calmer, perhaps more rational Erin to come back out. Though if I turn into a pensive hippie, someone should poke me with a stick or dangle a new gadget in front of me or something.

I have been so angry for so long that letting go of the anger is strange. The anger is a normal part of the grieving process, as is letting it go. It's not that there's a void - I don't miss being angry and miserable by ANY means - it's that I'm not sure what defines me at the moment. Anger has been my constant companion for the past 4 months. It has been standing next to me from the moment I get up to the moment I fall asleep. We developed a give and take, a daily pattern. It was a both a rock to cling to and a force that propelled me forward.

I'll move forward, day by day. I'll let go and find peace in myself, bit by bit. I'll get there, step by step.

Truckin' on

I'm really thankful that it's the weekend. Mostly because I've run out of underthings and need to do laundry, and what better time to do it than when the entire apt building also has the same idea?

I'm really thankful, also, for a weekend full of good food and better friends. It will be filled with sushi, pho and dim sum. It's like we're traveling through Asia. With our stomachs, and tastebuds. Which is possibly the best way to travel, ever.

We're also having fun Baroque music times. If you're in the New Haven area on Sunday night, you should come check out the American Baroque Orchestra with me. 8pm, Trinity Baptist Church on State St. Be there. Because it will be epic. I will also potentially be wearing heels, which is an event in and of itself.

Now I'm going to spend some time yelling at the PC on my desk because it's doing weird things. The summary of the yelling is "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A MAC?"

Guilty Pleasures

We have them. Late night snacks of Doritos with sour cream, fluff-filled books, reality TV shows: these are the habits and loves that we hide in shame from our friends and family. These are the things that we're not supposed to like, because they are low-brow, trashy or just plain unhealthy.

But they continue to exist, in abundance.

Today, let's expose some guilt.

I love Glee. I wasn't ever in a show choir, but I do fervently wish that I could break out in perfectly choreographed song and dance pretty much on a daily basis, complete with back up chorus of coworkers and a 5-piece band. Watching high school kids fulfill my musical fantasy is pretty awesome.

I read a lot of romance novels. I have an abundance of these little suckers from Amazon because they make a lot of them free for some reason. Don't know why; don't really care. Yes, it is essentially literary porn. As my friend Sarah once explained her minor addiction to them, "It's like a potato chip for the mind. We know that there are much healthier options out there, but damn it they taste so good."

I actually like some pop music. Britney Spears' newer stuff, Lady Gaga, some of Ke$ha's music - they have a good, heavy dance beat that I can sink into when I need energetic music to get work done. I pump out rapid-fire emails when I listen to my Trashy Pop station on Pandora like is it my JOB. (Well, it is, but you know. It's an expression.)

I will eat chocolate until I turn cocoa brown. I have ZERO control over myself when it comes to chocolate.

These are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure I have more. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Because these things are part of me even if you don't like them. Now, I'm going to go listen to Rhianna sing something about being an awesome girl while I wade through the 1,000+ emails that are sitting in my inbox.

Vacation

On Monday I went to Florida for a couple of days at an all inclusive resort.

On Tuesday my phone was stolen. I did have a kick ass massage and body wrap, though.

On Wednesday I woke up with a cold.

On Wednesday afternoon I realized that I didn't have the camera and didn't remember having it since the second leg of the flight.

On Thursday the psoriasis on my eyelids came back and I started barking like a dog instead of talking.

On Friday I started having weird sinus pain.

On Saturday we had to change flights before they were canceled and the resort wouldn't let us stay for free (if the flight had been canceled, we would have been able to, but it wasn't going to be canceled until the second leg of the trip, thus leaving us rhetorically stranded in Charlotte, NC).

My sleep between Saturday and Sunday was the most fucked up it's ever been because I took Nyquil in an effort to get more sleep. Instead, I was plagued by paranoia-laced dreams and minor hallucinations every time I woke up. WTF was in that Nyquil?!!?

Sunday was spent with my companion and her really nice aunt and uncle who also took us to dinner on Saturday AND bought us chocolate. Gold stars, all the way.

Tomorrow will be spent at the doctor's, and hopefully reactivating the old phone so that I can use it until the new one comes in.