Today's theme definitely turned into a variation of "FUCK YOU I AM AWESOME AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT". Which is the decidedly less-then-polite way of saying that I didn't have the best day ever. And no, I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that I am really, really ready for life to stop being the emotional roller coaster from hell. I cannot DEAL with this. I am an emotional person - always have been and always will be so I might as well accept that fact - and us emotional people do not do well when everything is dumped on us at once. We cry. We get super sensitive. We lash out and cling and scream like banshees, all at the same time. You think it's scary being the observer? Try being the banshee.
It's not like there is an on/off switch for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Somedays it feels less like my heart and more like a giant target that screams "I'M RIGHT HERE, HIT ME!!" I am so.sick.of.it. And before you ask, yes, I am getting help. But the help doesn't help overnight. It's not a band aid (actually it's more like ripping one off, some days). And I'm not going figure out how to cope instantaneously. There is work. And I'm not usually one to be a slacker or unwilling to pull my weight, but I'd honestly rather bathe Parker all day than deal with some of the issues that are coming up.
But there are some things in life that you don't get a choice in, not if you want to be healthy and productive. Dealing with all of this...this sheer and utter crapshoot that my emotions have become is one of those not-so-awesome but important non-choices. And I hate that some of the control has been taken away from me. I hate not having complete ownership of myself. (I have control issues. Deal with it, because I'm tired of dealing with everything else.) I hate the feelings of loss and confusion, and the idea that other people have so much power over me - the power to turn my day from OK to awful with a few sentences or words. You can't tell me "They only have as much control as you give them." Bullshit. When your emotions are running mere centimeters below the surface, it's awfully freaking hard to not let other people affect you.
I don't want a pity party. I don't you to pat my hand and tell me that everything will ok with enough time and patience. Because it won't be. Time does not heal all things. And I suck at being patient. My life will not magically fix itself. I want people to stop looking at me like I'm crazy because I had a bad day. I have had a lot of bad days in the past 4 months, and I seriously doubt that I'm going to stop having them just because some people are uncomfortable with them.
My grandfather died. I was the driving force behind and planned my grandfather's memorial (with help from my mom and siblings). My ex-boyfriend made some very, very bad decisions and hurt me in ways that most people won't understand because I'm trying to be a mature person and respect his privacy, and because they haven't lived my life. An IT staff member from my alma mater passed away, as did my mother's accompanist. While I wasn't very close to the former, the latter and his family were good family friends. My grandmother was in the hospital this week. Other family members are dealing with things that I know are serious, and I'm worried for them. I have multiple friends in multiple states who are facing serious life decisions, and who come to me because I'm the "rational" one. In short, shit has gone down. It's still going down. And I'm dealing with it, but y'all have got to trust me when I say that I will get through it in my own way and own time.
I'm asking that you respect my anger and my hurt. They are going to be around for a while. I'll get through them, but it will be at my pace. I have to figure a lot of this out on my own terms, because I'm the one that to live with me. I love you all, but you don't get to live inside my head, and you don't have to sleep next to me at night. I do. I have to live with myself and my decisions.
(And in case anyone is thinking that now is a good time to talk to me about faith and reintroducing god into my life, and have to poor sense to bring such a subject up, I swear that you will be on the receiving end of the most terrifying conversation of your life. You will learn that I really do have the mouth of a Shakespearean sailor, among many other things. We will probably stop talking for several years after that conversation, and I will be sad to lose your friendship, but people who are insensitive idiots have no place in my life these days.)
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