Anniversaries: Friend or Foe?

Apparently, le boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. Truth be told, neither of us can remember when the first "date" was; there were a couple of general meet ups in very public places to test the waters before we decided that the other person was relatively normal, well-adjusted, etc. So John picked Sept. 5th out of the air about 6 months ago, and we rolled with it. When he mentioned "Hey, our anniversary is coming up" last weekend, it was kind of a "EH?" moment for me. Which we ended up laughing about, a lot, because that's what we do.

We're celebrating by John cooking his first solo meal sans help besides baked scallops. (Boy can't be a one-dish wonder for the rest of time, after all.) And with Sam Adams Octoberfest. And by hanging shelves and painting a wall or two.

Now, some may question a few things about all this. Such as: "Why aren't you going out to celebrate? Wouldn't you rather do something romantic? I don't think that stir-fry is very...sensual...." Yeah, well, we have have our reasons.

First and foremost, I happen to think that anniversaries (especially those of dating couples) aren't really that important. This isn't to say that I think you're wasting your time celebrating your marriage vows (it's your relationship, do with it as you please!); it's just not something I'm interested in. To me, the date doesn't mean much. It's just a symbol. A fairly meaningless one. One where you're expected to spend lavish amounts of money/time/thought/glitter/whatever on the other person (and vice versa), and where you'll eventually build your hopes too high and then the entire day comes crashing down into a pile of blah. And tears. Don't forget those.

Secondly, after 4 years of watching my friends go through several "He didn't remember it was our 1 week/3 month/6 month/some weird amount of time anniversary" episodes, it became pretty clear to me that a) if you're so obsessed with a stupid date, obviously your relationship is not solid and b) lower expectations = more chances for surprises. The solution to A is to not fixate on a date, and to devote that time instead to your relationship; the result of B is that something, you'll get awesome surprises!

Thirdly, John is between jobs due to the shit-tastic economy. And I'd rather spend money on things like, oh, the new giant shiny 37" LED-lit flatscreen in my living room (and John agrees).

There are so many other symbols and facts in my relationship that I'd rather celebrate and remember than the "first date." Like the fact that we drove home to Indiana together, with my crazed dog, and didn't kill each other. Or the time that we celebrated John being done with his classes by going out to eat at the fancy Italian place. Or when he was graduating with his Masters in teaching in 50 degree weather while a wind storm raged. Or the fact that John forgives me time and again for having the patience of a gnat. That he loves my dog. That we enjoy stupid shit together, like curling up together, each reading something on our Kindles. That I can come home every day to a goofy, wonderful smile. That we have private jokes about coffee filters and how we're both obsessed with Neil Patrick Harris.

Those are the things that make my relationship special and meaningful. Not some arbitrary date on a calendar. I'd rather spend time on US and not worrying about proving to the world that there's an US.

As far as I can tell, le boy is pretty content with this line of thinking. He's pretty forward-thinking and feminist-y himself. We talk about what we think and feel, and why we think and feel that way. Which is what relationships are about. Understanding. Comprehension. Sometimes, compromise. But not shallow crap like "It's our anniversary, you'd better get me some trinket."

And if you think that my attitude towards anniversaries is unconventional and sort of in the left field of feminism, ask me why "My Dream Wedding" doesn't actually have a wedding in it. (It does, however, include an open bar.)