Saturday, May 7, 2011

Highly Sensitive

Something I've been doing the last couple of months is reading a lot about things that make us tick. Things that make ME tick. Yes, I'm still reading the odd potato chip for the mind (BFF Sarah's definition of romance novels and other drivel: "Sometimes, you just want a damn potato chip!"), but there's been a lot more of stuff about culture, relationships, feminism, psychology, and sociology. I've always been interested in the "why" and "how" of things, and so as I reassemble my personal life, I'm curious as to why it fell apart, and how I can prevent it and protect myself in the future. (No, I didn't have a complete nuclear meltdown, but it got icky and sticky and less than pleasant for a while.)

There are two books that I'm reading right now. One is a book on personalities within the structure of pyschology, and speaks to the theory of Highly Sensitive Personalities/People, and that's the one we're going to talk about today.

From the research that has been done on personalities, it looks like about 20% of the population (at least in the US) identify and test as being more sensitive than other. Sensitivity can be anything from a dislike of loud situations to taking criticism badly to immune issues. Usually it's a combination of sensitivities. Looking back on my childhood (or what I remember of it, because apparently I've blocked off large sections of it because I was so miserable), a lot of my problems were things that are better understood now as learning differences, food sensitivities, and possibly a suppressed immune system. HSPs are generally folks who react very strongly to certain stimuli (usually in a negative manner) and prefer things like routine, structure, and familiar settings to get through a day.

I can particularly identify with the aspects about food sensitivities, preferring a quiet atmosphere and having down time to myself. Growing up with severe food allergies that affected me primarily through brain chemistry (mood swings, headaches, migraines, extreme irrationality and irritability) makes slightly more sense now. I physically cannot be around loud noises too long, or I will become physically ill (nausea, migraine, dizziness, disorientation, and faintness are all common symptoms for me). And if I have to interact with too many people for too long of a time, I become agitated and usually develop a migraine. There's a reason I disappear for a while during family gatherings - I'm preventing myself from getting sick.

I really hate going into unfamiliar situations with no preparation. First days of anything are always a nightmare waiting to happen for me, emotionally. I usually stay quiet, preferring to watch and observe in a corner than throw myself into anything. I'm better at conquering that dislike now than I was as a kid, but it's still hard. There's this overwhelming sense of not wanting to be center stage all by myself (hence my love of choirs and not solos...), of not wanting to be noticed until I am more sure of the heirarchies and relationships that are going on around me. I fear in childhood that's what got me noticed more than anything - I was the one that didn't want to interact with people, and was weird because of it.

Conquering that sense of weirdness and awkwardness - that I don't truly fit in - is difficult. Supposedly this is a very common issue for HSPs. We don't fit the norm, but we're not different enough to be considered "cool," a la Lady Gaga. We're outliers, balanced on not really feeling as if we belong anywhere, and retreating into ourselves (or a hobby, or work, or something) as a way of protecting ourselves. In today's society, I can minimize interactions with the handy invention known as "The Headphones." I'm not anti-social, I've just got my music going and it's not cool to disturb music-going-people unless it's really important. I've lost track of how many times I've stuck my earbuds in just to avoid conversations on airplanes, busses, airports, car rides, walking around town or at work. It's a handy trick that enables me. Do I care? A bit. Will I stop? Probably not. The ability to watch and not be pointed out as a watcher is awesome.

How do you explain to people that you're different and that your different-ness is valid and should be respected and that you're not weird, you just can't handle certain stimuli? I'm not sure what the answer is, really. I've not finished the book, so I'll get to that part when I get there. From a personal standpoint, I think that confidence and self-assurance is key, and guarding your reasons is (unfortunately) a lesson that I've learned - just say "no thanks" and leave it at that. Learning to not get upset or defensive when people don't believe you in helpful, too. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times that I've felt frustrated because someone didn't understand why I wasn't going to eat some food or go to a loud environment. Acceptance is not easy for most people, especially when it comes to experiential issues. "What?! It's "so and so" live! You love them! Everyone loves them!" The subtext being "What is wrong with you that you can't enjoy this thing that everyone else does?" Yeah, I love Linkin Park, and seeing Lady Gaga in concert would be really cool, but neither of those things are ever going to happen because I will, without the shadow of a doubt, end up miserable, sick and hating whomever it is that dragged me in. When I landed free tickets to a Black Eyed Peas concert last year, I made sure to buy earplugs on the way to the concert because I knew that would be the ONLY chance I had to survive. My body was still vibrating afterwards, and not in that fun energy-of-the-crowd way. It was more of a oh-dear-god-do-we-not-know-how-to-balance-the-bass-and-have-these-people-never-heard-of-the-concept-of-overkill? sort of feeling. In my BONES. We left the concert early. 

Something that I've been dealing with in introspection and conversations with my therapist is how being an HSP influences my reactions. Overall, I tend to take a lot of things personally, even when they aren't meant as such. I feel that criticisms of anything I'm involved in are critiques of me and get out of whack. We're also talking about how this has influence my reactions to all of the crap that I was dealt in November, and the less-than-optimal things that seem to keep stacking up against me. I don't entirely understand myself yet, and I don't think that I'm going to "fix" my reactions anytime soon. But it is nice to delve into and sort out WHY I have reactions and learn to better cope with the emotions that accompany Big Life Issues. Like deaths and breakups and friendships ending and relationships of many sorts.

I'm working on accepting my limitations, and having more patience with myself when I start to feel or think that these limitations are negatively impacting me. It's not my fault. It's no one's fault. It's hard, nor is it fair, to lay blame at the feet of any one person because they cannot deal with certain things. Just as we all have some food that we will not consume, for any reason other than pure starvation. (For me, that would be bugs. Things with tentacles run a very, very close second.) My mother can't drink because it makes her sick. There is no blame, there is no fault. There is simple fact and there is human dignity. It is my right to refuse things if it helps maintain my dignity, which is much easier to do if I'm not begging for someone to put a bullet through my eye because it's burning from the migraine.

Most HSPs, by the time they figure out their coping mechanisms, are in their 20s and 30s. Living as adults, fending for yourself, you learn where your boundaries are and how to accommodate yourself. Part of my accommodations include retreating to a quiet place when I start to feel overwhelmed, keeping migraine meds on hand at all times, and forcing myself through relaxation exercises when the going gets really bad. I just wish I didn't feel like I needed to do the relaxation stuff so often right now...

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