"You'll find someone worth it someday"

I was talking to our previous business manager earlier this week (he moved departments, got a raise, etc.) working to solve a "since you're gone, who does this?" question. He's always taken a big brother-ly approach to our relationship, and always asks how I'm doing, how my family is doing, do I need help with anything, etc. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met, and I'm very sad that he's no longer our business manager.

In the course of all of the drama of the last 3 months, he had an idea of what was going on. He was genuinely concerned for my welfare and well-being, especially when he found out that within one hour as I drive through New Jersey my life sort of exploded. He's been there if I needed a sympathetic ear and always says the right (if clichéd) thing: "You don't need that kind of person in your life. You have too much going for you in every other place in your life right now that someone with that kind of behavior is just going to hold you back" and "Relationships are hard. Dating sucks. But when you find that right person, it will ALL be worth it."

He asked me the other day what I was doing, dating-wise (Not in a creepy way! He's quite possibly the least creepy person I know!). Was I ready to start dating again, and put myself back out there? Was I mentally ready for that?

The answers, both then and now, are complicated. Following the "I just got out of a relationship" rule (which is something like every month that you're in a committed relationship = one week of non-dating), I should emotionally/mentally be ready to start dating about now. 13 months = 13 weeks. Break up was the beginning of November and we're now approaching February, so hey! Datin' time, right?

Yes, I know that this is obviously completely optional. There are no rules when it comes to your head and your heart. Nothing ever makes sense and nothing really will, ever. You just kind of have to wing it the entire time, as you learn what your boundaries are and what you can and can't compromise with.

But I honestly have absolutely no interest in dating right now. (Sex, however, is a different subject.) Dating is WORK.

• Dating is emotionally exhausting: Do they like me? Do I really like them or is it just my desperate libido talking? Why aren't they calling? Does this shirt make me look fat?
  
• Dating takes time: Organize the date, vet the date (are they sane?), the date itself, getting ready for the date, calling all your girlfriends after the date to analyze it in excruciating detail...
  I have a fairly active life: choir, choir board/steering committee, art classes, friends, work, professional organization, volunteering, dog. Where the hell am I going to find time for a date in that?
  
• Dating is uncomfortable: Once upon a time I was on my third date with this guy and he kept making God references, so I felt it was time to get that whole atheist-feminist-tree hugger stuff out into the open. He didn't call me back for 2 weeks. Clearly there was an awkward turtle moment in there for him. (I'm still not sure why he called me at all, if he had that much to work out in his head.)
  
• Dating is weird. I mean, the concept of going out to meet people for the specific goal of finding someone that you can actually stand for long periods of time while carrying on a robust sexual relationship, anthropologically, is fascinating. OK, yes, totally better than my parents hooking me up with someone, but so many other cultures focus on either one of two things: keeping it in the tribe, or taking it out completely. It's not based wholly on "Are we compatible? Do I think I love you?" but "Is this what's best for our society and culture?" The fact that we have several hundred websites dedicated to finding you that special someone speaks volumes to the expectations we have as a sexually confused and emotionally stunted society.

I don't have time for that much work. I'm developing and launching new ideas at work (and people LIKE them). I'm working on improving my artistic skill sets so that I can put together a portfolio so that I can go to art school in the future. I have a geriatric, special-needs dog. I'm working my ass off to save a choir, and I'm singing in the choir as well. I'm trying to balance my need for time off with my love of involvement. I have a phone call regimen that I go through every week, to keep up with relationships across United States.

I know myself pretty well at this point. I'm not patient, I love efficiency when it comes to work and chores, and I have definite opinions on everything from how much money is being spent on war and military funds to Dante. I love to create things, nuture them and watch them grow. I crave order, structure, rational functions and directions. I make contingency plans because I don't like the unexpected. I like small surprises, such as gifts of hugs or candy but I can't stand major ones. I am independent. I can occasionally have the mouth of a creative sailor. I can be spontaneous when the setting are right.

I am not an easy person to date. I have expectations. I have requirements. And I'm at that point where anyone who thinks that I need to adjust them or get rid of them entirely is quite possibly an idiot. That's what life is: a series of requirements that you make for yourself. It's often unconscious and intangible, but at the end of the day, that's what we do. I make goals at work (with the dreaded FOCUS forms), I make goals professionally, I make goals artistically and for my every day life. I'm going to have relationship goals. There are requirements in every other aspect of my life, and I'd be an idiot myself to think that I could date the first Joe off the street. I mean, what if they're part of the Tea Party and like Republican talk radio?!

I'm sure that I'll get back out there, at some point. And I'm not anti-men at the moment. I'm just... Pro-Erin. I need and want to focus on me and my skills and my life and my current relationships with friends and family. It's going to be like that for a while, I think. I'm happy being me, and I need to stay happy being me.