The Brain Hive Inside Me

A thousand swirling twirling whirling thoughts are in my mind
The rapid planning, goals I'm manning, taking up my time
There's things to do and meetings too and don't forget the donuts
Where's the dog must beat the fog am I actually a grownup?
Days to plan and nights to cook and things are needing buying
Get to work and clean that shirt, house chores are multiplying

My brain is stuck in third gear as we hurtle down the highway
RPMs too high for safety, making burnout rather likely
But I can't stop, can't find the clutch and gear shift in my head
Don't know how to shut up, be myself, or even who I am
There's so much I want to see and do and maybe if I plan it
I'll have it all and be the best, with time to organize the planet

The schedule tells me I'm off track; I don't know what to do
Where do I turn, my brain it burns, cant seem to think it through
The madness grows and grabs my toes, sucking my soul in
Deadlines to meet, bosses to greet, my interest waning thin
I'm start to lose it bruise it fuse it then the music changes
From symphony to screeching frenzied damned angry violins

This is what my life is, here’s a window to my head
You don’t have to like it or even understand
But any chance of getting me means accepting who I am

Future Reference

Sometimes, writing is the best therapy for me.

In the coming weeks, I'm probably going to be writing about a lot of stuff that's deeply personal. Not like a list of my sexual partners or anything obscene, obviously, but a lot of stuff that I'm still figuring out in therapy and in my head.

I need you, my readers, to remember a few things as these things come forward.

First and foremost, these are my opinions, my memories and my thoughts. They are not perfect. They are flawed and skewed; filtered through the foggy lens of childhood; aged and cracked with time. They will not be rational, they may not make sense, and if you were there for some of them, you may not agree with my interpretation. All of our memories and interpretations are fallible, yours and mine.

But they are real, for me. What happened, what I felt in my moments of memory, they are as real as anyone's memories of the past. They are valid. And they are mine. I make no apology for my thoughts. They are what they are, and nothing can change the way I have felt about certain things, especially when those feelings are associated with memories and idea who define who I am today.

I am sorry if some of these things upset you. (This is particularly aimed at my parents.) What happened, happened, and now I must shake off the mantle of the dusty past in order to claim my bright and shiny future. I cannot move ahead without confronting the demons that exist. Because we all have demons. Most of mine come in two forms: a childhood of being different and an adulthood of constant responsibility.

I am not crying for pity. I do not write for attention, nor pats on the head (which is damnably condescending, anyways, and I'll kick your condescending ass before I let you pat me on the head). I write for release. There will be drafts that don't see the light of the Internet. There will be things that I say that might make you think me stupid and insecure. But I can't let your opinions of me rule my life.

Today, I claim my birthright. I claim myself.

Reading in the 21st Century

I am a child of the Millennial generation. I have seen the invention of reading tablets, tiny laptops that weigh but a few pounds, phones that are computers, capacitive touch screens, harddrives that don't need to spin up or down and external 1 terabyte harddrives that cost $70 (and I bought a 2TB external for $100. I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do with 2TB of storage, but I have it). Technology isn't prevalent. It is rampant.

Part of why I love doing what I do is because I get to play with new toys and ideas (usually on Mommy Yale's dime). About a year and a half ago my previous dept. got a Kindle to play with, and started off my love affair with e-readers. I eventually had to give it back as I moved depts, but I recently bought my own Kindle 3 in a silent auction benefiting my choir. I love the Kindle 3 just as much as I loved the Kindle 2 (plus it's lighter, which is nice). I have Calibre so that I can put my own books on it (and convert them as needed) and I have friends who I exchange files with. I haven't really tried the loaning feature yet, but we'll get there.


Something I don't understand, though, is how and why I can buy a physical book for less money than I can a digital book. Yes, there are licensing fees; of course. But when I can buy a used hardback edition of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters for a penny + $3.99 shipping (yes, you read that right, a PENNY) while the digital version is $17, I take issue with it.

It's not that I don't want to pay for content. I just don't like paying more for content than I have to. Why should I pay $17 for a digital version when I can pay $4 for a hardcover book? Digital is the future, obviously. But my generation knows how to comparison shop. Amazon sort of just bit itself in that aspect: the hardcover book I bought was through one of their resellers.

I also am frustrated when there are books I want to read that aren't available in a digital format. I'll pay for the damn book; just release it to us! Certain books, like my crochet books, I don't want on the Kindle. I want nice big pages with color illustrations for those. But things like Harry Potter? Kindle. Please. (I do have a digital Harry Potter; I just used that as an example.)

While nothing can compare with the tactile experience of a book (am I a kinesthetic learner, so I definitely appreciate that), I have to appreciate the fact that I don't have to carry around several books at once. I remember carting around POUNDS and POUNDS of text books in high school and college, and thinking "OH DEAR HEAVENS I AM GOING TO DIE" at least once from the weight. How much does the average e-reader weigh? 8-10 ounces? Yeahhhhh... that's a huge difference.

I hope that schools get on the e-reader bandwagon. Reading all of my HUST books on a e-reader would have been SOOOOO helpful, especially now that you can do things like share comments and highlighted portions these days. It would have made citation a pain in the ass, but I have a feeling that eventually that will be addressed by the MLA, the Chicago Style people and both the APAs.

To the naysayers and people freaking out about the demise of the bookstore, I'd like to point out that history is full of these things. Let's look at the horse and cart, for example. People freaked out that cars were coming in, and protesting, and angry. And now we have an estimated 600 million cars on the road, world wide. Progress is going to keep marching on, and we have two choices: make it work for us or get left shaking our fists in its wake (and then you get people/characters like Umbridge who spout off gems like "progress for progress' sake," which was a delightful commentary by Rowling on the conservative agenda sweeping many of the political bodies across the globe, in my opinion).

Email and family management

We have a slight problem in my family. Especially with the baby boomers.

Certain people like to send me email. Great! I'm glad you're thinking of me. But I really, really don't like getting chain mail/spam.

It's one thing when it's genuinely funny. One of my cousins sends me stuff fairly often, but I actually laugh at it. So it's OK; we have similar senses of humor and we will email back and forth entertaining comments about the funny. So she knows that I'm cool with her highly amusing forwards.

My grandmother, on the other hand.... Well, we've already had one discussion about how getting religious-toned pro-American military everything was a bit offensive as a humanist, pacifist and atheist. And she took it quite well, and I haven't gotten anything from her in that vein lately. But I still get stuff from her and other older family members. And it's so OBNOXIOUS.

I think the biggest issue that we are using email for different things. They are using it as an occasional communication tool that is capable of holding files, pictures, words, and ideas. I, on the other hand, am an email power user. I use my work email to communicate with hundreds of people on a daily basis. I use my personal email to stay abreast of community issues, what's going on in Facebook, what my friends are up to, to manage choir business and to inform my friends and family as to what's going on in my life. Yes, amusing and funny things make their way into both my work and personal email, but for me, email is not an optional thing that I log into occasionally. I am in my email inboxes at least 10 hours a day. I have three active email accounts, as well as specialized email aliases that forward to my personal and work accounts, the 20+ email lists that I'm on, or the separate email accounts that forward to my main accounts (such as ResNet, choir and Parker's).

On an average day, I read about 200 emails. I send at least 40, if not more. A lot of them are quick responses, that take seconds to compose and send. But I am an email power user: I use the keyboard fairly exclusively once I start working in Apple Mail, and I type FAST. Email is not some fluffy thing for me. It is an integral part of my job and responsibilities, and when someone sends me crap about The World's Biggest Hug or "RE: Love SPell - Pass it ON OR ELSE!!1!" it makes me upset. Because they've now stolen 5 seconds of my time. It's my time, dammit. It doesn't matter that it was seconds. What matters is that people are not cognizant of me and my needs. And that as family and friends, I expect more of them.

So, a plea to my older relatives: stop sending me spam. I appreciate that you think of me, really, I do. But I would rather you put the time and energy into a proper email, or even an e-card, than you hit "forward" and make me deal with something that I probably won't find that funny. If I want to look at funny pictures of cats, I know the web address of lolcats.com. If I want to listen to sappy music, I'm pretty sure that I have Frank Sinatra somewhere on in my iTunes Library. And if I wanted to read/listen/watch anything to do with conservative "values," pro-military agendas, and paranoid Republicans, I would just go to Fox News. Out of those three, the lolcats are the only ones I am mildly interested in.

In case you're wondering, I do have an email policy. I email people back politely the first time, asking them to not send me stuff. The second time I threaten to mark their address as "spam" in my email. And the third time I do. So I have no idea if a couple of family members ever try to email me. If they can't respect my (very basic) email wishes, I probably don't have much in common with them, anyways.

Official Unorthodoxy

One of the largest parts of my job (and by largest I mean "Thing That Sucks Up Huge Amounts of Time") is teaching the new students how to use the equipment that we have in the program, and how to use the software that goes with it.

Last week's lesson was about the Olympus LS-10 audio recorders that we check out, and Garageband. The general plan was that I was going to provide some examples of radio interviews (a la "This American Life"), everyone would "interview" each other on any topic that they wanted, and then they would create something that was inspired by the examples in Garageband. Each finished project should be 3-5 minutes long, have audio, music, ambient noises and maybe some sound effects.

In preparation for the teaching session, I found a recorded copy of a talk that Ira Glass gave at Yale two years ago. He was specifically speaking about the role of radio in modern journalism, but a lot of what he talked about - and did during the talk - was highly relevant to the lesson that I wanted them to learn. I worked with the Yale Broadcasting department to get a copy of the talk, and then watched it a few times to pick out what I wanted to use.

I chose to just have them watch the first 20 minutes, with occasional pauses at specific points to talk about what Glass was doing in the presentation, as he used sound bites from previous programs to illustrate his points. I had them watch his body language, pay attention to his mannerisms - everything he did was deliberate and specific. We talked about the points that he was making, about journalism and storytelling. I finished that part of the program by asking them to talk about why storytelling is important in media projects, and to think about the art of it as they put together their own mini-interviews.

For the rest of the time, the students recorded short interviews with each other, loaded things up into Garageband, and answered questions about how Garageband works. Some of the answers I knew off of the top of my head, but I did a lot of Googling on the projector so that everyone could see what was going on. We then collected the interviews at the end, and the went on their merry way. They seemed to enjoy the idea of technology and creativity, and there were a lot of interesting questions that came up.

And then I listened to the interviews. Some were just OK. And some where AMAZING. But most importantly, they all GOT it. They GOT what I wanted, they appeared to be having fun when we were doing it, and they learned something in the projected amount of time that I set up.

So what was different about this lesson than others?

First, I went into it with a storytelling theme/attitude. I told them that part of good media projects includes the concept of storytelling. A good presentation includes a story. A good movie sucks you in. An article that includes a touch of human is no longer boring. Storytelling is essential. And storytelling is art. And they got excited about art and technology. Specifically, art and technology that related to their job.

Secondly, we tried something new in the examples part. We watched. We paused. I pointed out things. We discussed. We watched more. Rinse and repeat. There was a certain level of interaction that we hadn't done before, and I think that really, really helped get the ideas and points across. I took the time to speak to them as artists. We connected. It was sort of awesome.

And so, I began a dialogue with my supervisors. I asked if I could go to a conference/workshop at the end of April, on storytelling. I talked about what happened, and how I think that next year, we should have a storytelling theme. That it should be incorporated into how I teach, how they learn and think about media. That storytelling could better improve presentation skills, and liven up boring PowerPoint slides. Both my direct supervisor and her boss thought that it was a very interesting approach. And said yes.

HOLY COW. How often do we, as IT managers of students, get to try something so out of the box? It's not as often as most would like, I think. I am very, very fortunate that I work with a team of people who are usually ready to try new things and hear my ideas out, and especially lucky that my supervisors are very open-minded. I wish this was something that more higher ed institutions would do on the business end of things: try something new. You don't have to devote huge amounts of resources to a new idea to test it; the conference is only $150 or so. In the yearly budget, that's pocket change. Far too often, I think, do we fall into the category of attempting to be innovative but lacking the actual drive to try something so alien. "Let's try something new" is not the same as "Let me turn my entire teaching method on its head." It's related, like mangoes are related to poison ivy (they both carry urushiol). Some parts are sort of the same, but really there isn't that much to compare.

I'm really happy that I get to try something new and crazy at work. This is what I love: pushing boundaries, creating bridges and connections out of thin air. I just wish that I could get everyone on board the Do Crazy Things at Work Train.

o rly?

Apparently le ex has jumped on the blog band wagon. And in one of his posts I am described as a "pompous, self-centered woman."

Hurray, I'm not a girl any longer! Too bad I describe him as "that idiot." Doesn't even get a sex or gender identity.

OK, so why am I reading his blog? I have no fucking clue. I must be a glutton for punishment or something.

 I did refrain from posting a comment because I'm mature or something like that. But it pisses me off that he gets to say things like that. Were we not part of the same relationship and break up? Because I'm pretty sure that I'm not a pompous, self-centered bitch. I have my moments, yes. But I'm not the one who decided to make a choice that only had one result: a break up. I'm trying to be really "grown up" here and not blather ALL of the messy details to the world, but right now it's really tempting.

Don't call me names if you aren't willing to back up your ideas with facts. Don't accuse me of being something without giving the whole story. Because I have a feeling that anyone who knew ALL of the facts would tell him he's an idiot (and those that do know, tend think along those lines). Someone related to me died because someone else made a similar choice to his. And THAT is what pisses me off and makes me so angry that clench my teeth as my throat swells shut.

It was a choice. He chose to hurt me.

He made a choice, and continues to make choices, apparently, that are hurtful and shameful. But I'm making choices, too. Some are big and some are small, but all of them are weighed with my friends and family in mind. The world is so much bigger than me, and my life is not just mine. Ignoring that fact, making me feel like I don't matter is the worse thing you can do to me. And he did it. I wasn't important to him. My family wasn't important to him. We as a couple were not important to him.

But I am important to so many other people, and I know that. I have friends and family who love me and are helping me get through every dark day and are laughing right along with me during the lighter ones. I have a dog that adores me (CUDDLES!). And their choices are ones that are inclusive and loving, and I'm grateful for that every day. I'm making the choice to move on, and some days it's really, really hard. Not the "oh god I want him back" type of hard (dear sweet heavens no), but the "must release anger and pain to get back to the good vibes" type of hard.

But get there, I will. I must. Or I'll go insane. And that would totally mess up my plans for world domination.

Learning to Be A Giving Geek

There was a brief period in time in my childhood where I was obsessed by pink (Yes, really, truly. You can ask my mother.). I had a pink room, and wore pink dresses and played with pink Barbies and everything was pink pink pink. I'm not sure why, but one day I woke up and decided that I hated pink and dresses and everything that was super frilly (I still liked Barbie though).

For a long time I was anti-pink. My mother tried to get me into a pink shirt for a choir thing (we all had to wear solid colored tees) and I was not. having. it. I was "into" black for a while, as much as my parents would like me (which wasn't a whole lot), and I've had blue and green clothing phases, too. Nowadays there's a lot of color, dominated by black, white, black and white, jewel tones, and definitely still a lot of green. I wear what I call Professional Geek Chic most of the time.

But it wasn't just a color shift back when I was 10 or so. It was personality shift. I became really bookish. I was the smarty pants. The know-it-all. I was fairly shy and reserved, though in high school I did finally get a group of close friends. My nickname in high school was "Hermione" (and a lot of my handles online reflect that with "BiblioHermione"). I was a nerd. Maybe even *gasp!*... a dweeb.*

In college, though, I managed to morph into the illustrious and highly sought after title of geek. I got a better grasp of how to socialize, found some of the most amazing young women to exist on the planet to be my friends**, lucked out by finding a job that introduced me to the awesomeness of computers and helping people while simultaneously providing me with a mentor and a chance for upward mobility (student manager: achievement unlocked). I found my niche. I found my footing as a confident and capable young woman, and started learning how I could be a Woman and a Geek at the same time.

One of the hardest things to learn, though, was to love and accept former self-nerd-dweeb-Erin. Acknowledging that I had things to learn to be a better person, a better RCC was sometimes hard. But with a close-knit set of friends that I met through work and my classes, I did it. (We pulled friends from work into classes. And friends from classes into work. And it all culminated in the Magical Year of 2008. That's another story, though.) Though a lot of love and support, we all learned that we had formidable skills and were Women To Be Reckoned With (Don't cross us. We will kill you with our minds. Just like River.).

One of the most valuable skills I learned, through college and continually through my job even now, is that part of being a Geek is striving to Be Awesome. (Barney Stinson fully agrees with me.) Having a very strong, self-confident personality is crucial to my Geekness. I don't take crap from people, though I've been learning lately about how to not take crap in a more polite and constructive manner. (Being belligerent doesn't work so well with people. HUH.) Learning to say "I don't know; let's find out" and being open about my knowledge levels has been important, too. Open to learning and brainstorming is equally part of the skill set that I've acquired, as has been "how to have open lines of communication" and "teaching/training people how to use things." While these skills aren't necessarily part of the standard Geek repertoire, they DO make me a very efficient, competent and capable Geeky Manager.

I've been blessed by good friends and role models, and part of me being a geek is giving that back. I'm pretty heavily involved in ResNet, Inc. I volunteer at a natural science museum, specifically working with the 5-10 age range using themed kits about anthropology and natural science (as well as photographer when they need one). I pay special attention to my student workers, making sure that they have the support and tools to grow and learn. I network like crazy for my friends. And I pay special attention to the girls, always. Women in science and tech need strong, supportive role models, and I fully intend to be one.

I am proud to be a Girl Geek. And I am proud to help make more Girl Geeks who are self-confident and strong. Because we're awesome.

*For the purposes of this post, I will be using the Great White Snark Venn Diagram of Nerd-Dork-Geek-Dweebness as my schema.


**For those of you living under rocks, I went to an all women's college. No, we did not have lesbian make out parties. We did throw awesome parties, though.