Hi everyone,
I'm moving all of my content over to erinlscott.com and will no longer be updating this blog. Please come visit my new website! (It's still in progress so please excuse the default everything.)
Erin
Friday, June 24, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Slightly controlled chaos
So I've been absent lately. Here's an update!
I am now wheat/gluten free. Ish. It's less of a bitch to do this in 2011 than it was in 1986-2000, because LO AND BEHOLD MAYBE WE SHOULD BE ALLERGEN-AWARE. Also, East Coast vs. Midwest culture sort of makes a difference. People here try on food fads like they do shoes. The Midwest...not so much. The Jell-O obsession never left.
Why? Because wheat has been making me sick. I've been generally feeling less than optimal for several months and I'm going through my allergens, one by one, to figure out how much of what, exactly, can I eat on a daily/weekly schedule. And learning what happens if I go overboard.
So far, not eating wheat has made the biggest difference. Testing corn will be difficult, as I already know that corn syrup makes me sick, so I can't test my corn tolerance via "corn sugar" or whatever the new fancy term is that the We <3 Corn advocacy group is parading around.
I don't know that I need to be gluten free - trace and even small amounts of wheat don't seem to bother me. Neither does 1 beer (haven't tested more than one at a time yet). I will get tested for celiac disease the next time I see a doctor for something other than a sinus infection, as well as ask for a full panel of allergen tests (prick tests, blood work, etc.)
Other news... ResNet is in 6 days...There was a bat in my kitchen this morning...I stuck my foot/shoe/bottom third of my pants into a bucket of glaze at the pottery studio today while trying to seal it...Didn't check the weather before leaving the house and had to borrow an umbrella from the CAW people...
Yeah, it's turning into an interesting Saturday. Now I'm going to have a beer, rinse out my jeans, do some laundry and work on setting up the new website.
I am now wheat/gluten free. Ish. It's less of a bitch to do this in 2011 than it was in 1986-2000, because LO AND BEHOLD MAYBE WE SHOULD BE ALLERGEN-AWARE. Also, East Coast vs. Midwest culture sort of makes a difference. People here try on food fads like they do shoes. The Midwest...not so much. The Jell-O obsession never left.
Why? Because wheat has been making me sick. I've been generally feeling less than optimal for several months and I'm going through my allergens, one by one, to figure out how much of what, exactly, can I eat on a daily/weekly schedule. And learning what happens if I go overboard.
So far, not eating wheat has made the biggest difference. Testing corn will be difficult, as I already know that corn syrup makes me sick, so I can't test my corn tolerance via "corn sugar" or whatever the new fancy term is that the We <3 Corn advocacy group is parading around.
I don't know that I need to be gluten free - trace and even small amounts of wheat don't seem to bother me. Neither does 1 beer (haven't tested more than one at a time yet). I will get tested for celiac disease the next time I see a doctor for something other than a sinus infection, as well as ask for a full panel of allergen tests (prick tests, blood work, etc.)
Other news... ResNet is in 6 days...There was a bat in my kitchen this morning...I stuck my foot/shoe/bottom third of my pants into a bucket of glaze at the pottery studio today while trying to seal it...Didn't check the weather before leaving the house and had to borrow an umbrella from the CAW people...
Yeah, it's turning into an interesting Saturday. Now I'm going to have a beer, rinse out my jeans, do some laundry and work on setting up the new website.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I've loved and I've lost
I dreamed and I failed
We spun the dreams
On gossamer wings
And neglected essential details
And now that you're gone
And now that we're done
I'm left standing in the rubble
From the castle in the sky
Turns out the clouds are painful, crushing you if you can't fly
Fast and free
You flew without me
And that's the greatest hurt of all
That you just left me there alone
Never a second glance
We screwed up the second chance
The unexpected and unplanned, burning everything I loved
Because that's the way it always ends
With a fire in my soul
Burning
Tearing the yearnings of a young romantic girl
Who is tired of this fight
The endless quest for hope and love
Maybe that forever kind
And they tell me to wait
To be patient and true
"it will happen when it happens"
The damned consolation prize
Life is under scrutiny, can't measure up to size
I'm tired of failing
Weary of flailing
Flailing because of you
(There is a tune to this; very "into the woods"/"wicked"/"Sweeney Todd" sounding)
I dreamed and I failed
We spun the dreams
On gossamer wings
And neglected essential details
And now that you're gone
And now that we're done
I'm left standing in the rubble
From the castle in the sky
Turns out the clouds are painful, crushing you if you can't fly
Fast and free
You flew without me
And that's the greatest hurt of all
That you just left me there alone
Never a second glance
We screwed up the second chance
The unexpected and unplanned, burning everything I loved
Because that's the way it always ends
With a fire in my soul
Burning
Tearing the yearnings of a young romantic girl
Who is tired of this fight
The endless quest for hope and love
Maybe that forever kind
And they tell me to wait
To be patient and true
"it will happen when it happens"
The damned consolation prize
Life is under scrutiny, can't measure up to size
I'm tired of failing
Weary of flailing
Flailing because of you
(There is a tune to this; very "into the woods"/"wicked"/"Sweeney Todd" sounding)
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Highly Sensitive
Something I've been doing the last couple of months is reading a lot about things that make us tick. Things that make ME tick. Yes, I'm still reading the odd potato chip for the mind (BFF Sarah's definition of romance novels and other drivel: "Sometimes, you just want a damn potato chip!"), but there's been a lot more of stuff about culture, relationships, feminism, psychology, and sociology. I've always been interested in the "why" and "how" of things, and so as I reassemble my personal life, I'm curious as to why it fell apart, and how I can prevent it and protect myself in the future. (No, I didn't have a complete nuclear meltdown, but it got icky and sticky and less than pleasant for a while.)
There are two books that I'm reading right now. One is a book on personalities within the structure of pyschology, and speaks to the theory of Highly Sensitive Personalities/People, and that's the one we're going to talk about today.
From the research that has been done on personalities, it looks like about 20% of the population (at least in the US) identify and test as being more sensitive than other. Sensitivity can be anything from a dislike of loud situations to taking criticism badly to immune issues. Usually it's a combination of sensitivities. Looking back on my childhood (or what I remember of it, because apparently I've blocked off large sections of it because I was so miserable), a lot of my problems were things that are better understood now as learning differences, food sensitivities, and possibly a suppressed immune system. HSPs are generally folks who react very strongly to certain stimuli (usually in a negative manner) and prefer things like routine, structure, and familiar settings to get through a day.
I can particularly identify with the aspects about food sensitivities, preferring a quiet atmosphere and having down time to myself. Growing up with severe food allergies that affected me primarily through brain chemistry (mood swings, headaches, migraines, extreme irrationality and irritability) makes slightly more sense now. I physically cannot be around loud noises too long, or I will become physically ill (nausea, migraine, dizziness, disorientation, and faintness are all common symptoms for me). And if I have to interact with too many people for too long of a time, I become agitated and usually develop a migraine. There's a reason I disappear for a while during family gatherings - I'm preventing myself from getting sick.
I really hate going into unfamiliar situations with no preparation. First days of anything are always a nightmare waiting to happen for me, emotionally. I usually stay quiet, preferring to watch and observe in a corner than throw myself into anything. I'm better at conquering that dislike now than I was as a kid, but it's still hard. There's this overwhelming sense of not wanting to be center stage all by myself (hence my love of choirs and not solos...), of not wanting to be noticed until I am more sure of the heirarchies and relationships that are going on around me. I fear in childhood that's what got me noticed more than anything - I was the one that didn't want to interact with people, and was weird because of it.
Conquering that sense of weirdness and awkwardness - that I don't truly fit in - is difficult. Supposedly this is a very common issue for HSPs. We don't fit the norm, but we're not different enough to be considered "cool," a la Lady Gaga. We're outliers, balanced on not really feeling as if we belong anywhere, and retreating into ourselves (or a hobby, or work, or something) as a way of protecting ourselves. In today's society, I can minimize interactions with the handy invention known as "The Headphones." I'm not anti-social, I've just got my music going and it's not cool to disturb music-going-people unless it's really important. I've lost track of how many times I've stuck my earbuds in just to avoid conversations on airplanes, busses, airports, car rides, walking around town or at work. It's a handy trick that enables me. Do I care? A bit. Will I stop? Probably not. The ability to watch and not be pointed out as a watcher is awesome.
How do you explain to people that you're different and that your different-ness is valid and should be respected and that you're not weird, you just can't handle certain stimuli? I'm not sure what the answer is, really. I've not finished the book, so I'll get to that part when I get there. From a personal standpoint, I think that confidence and self-assurance is key, and guarding your reasons is (unfortunately) a lesson that I've learned - just say "no thanks" and leave it at that. Learning to not get upset or defensive when people don't believe you in helpful, too. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times that I've felt frustrated because someone didn't understand why I wasn't going to eat some food or go to a loud environment. Acceptance is not easy for most people, especially when it comes to experiential issues. "What?! It's "so and so" live! You love them! Everyone loves them!" The subtext being "What is wrong with you that you can't enjoy this thing that everyone else does?" Yeah, I love Linkin Park, and seeing Lady Gaga in concert would be really cool, but neither of those things are ever going to happen because I will, without the shadow of a doubt, end up miserable, sick and hating whomever it is that dragged me in. When I landed free tickets to a Black Eyed Peas concert last year, I made sure to buy earplugs on the way to the concert because I knew that would be the ONLY chance I had to survive. My body was still vibrating afterwards, and not in that fun energy-of-the-crowd way. It was more of a oh-dear-god-do-we-not-know-how-to-balance-the-bass-and-have-these-people-never-heard-of-the-concept-of-overkill? sort of feeling. In my BONES. We left the concert early.
Something that I've been dealing with in introspection and conversations with my therapist is how being an HSP influences my reactions. Overall, I tend to take a lot of things personally, even when they aren't meant as such. I feel that criticisms of anything I'm involved in are critiques of me and get out of whack. We're also talking about how this has influence my reactions to all of the crap that I was dealt in November, and the less-than-optimal things that seem to keep stacking up against me. I don't entirely understand myself yet, and I don't think that I'm going to "fix" my reactions anytime soon. But it is nice to delve into and sort out WHY I have reactions and learn to better cope with the emotions that accompany Big Life Issues. Like deaths and breakups and friendships ending and relationships of many sorts.
I'm working on accepting my limitations, and having more patience with myself when I start to feel or think that these limitations are negatively impacting me. It's not my fault. It's no one's fault. It's hard, nor is it fair, to lay blame at the feet of any one person because they cannot deal with certain things. Just as we all have some food that we will not consume, for any reason other than pure starvation. (For me, that would be bugs. Things with tentacles run a very, very close second.) My mother can't drink because it makes her sick. There is no blame, there is no fault. There is simple fact and there is human dignity. It is my right to refuse things if it helps maintain my dignity, which is much easier to do if I'm not begging for someone to put a bullet through my eye because it's burning from the migraine.
Most HSPs, by the time they figure out their coping mechanisms, are in their 20s and 30s. Living as adults, fending for yourself, you learn where your boundaries are and how to accommodate yourself. Part of my accommodations include retreating to a quiet place when I start to feel overwhelmed, keeping migraine meds on hand at all times, and forcing myself through relaxation exercises when the going gets really bad. I just wish I didn't feel like I needed to do the relaxation stuff so often right now...
There are two books that I'm reading right now. One is a book on personalities within the structure of pyschology, and speaks to the theory of Highly Sensitive Personalities/People, and that's the one we're going to talk about today.
From the research that has been done on personalities, it looks like about 20% of the population (at least in the US) identify and test as being more sensitive than other. Sensitivity can be anything from a dislike of loud situations to taking criticism badly to immune issues. Usually it's a combination of sensitivities. Looking back on my childhood (or what I remember of it, because apparently I've blocked off large sections of it because I was so miserable), a lot of my problems were things that are better understood now as learning differences, food sensitivities, and possibly a suppressed immune system. HSPs are generally folks who react very strongly to certain stimuli (usually in a negative manner) and prefer things like routine, structure, and familiar settings to get through a day.
I can particularly identify with the aspects about food sensitivities, preferring a quiet atmosphere and having down time to myself. Growing up with severe food allergies that affected me primarily through brain chemistry (mood swings, headaches, migraines, extreme irrationality and irritability) makes slightly more sense now. I physically cannot be around loud noises too long, or I will become physically ill (nausea, migraine, dizziness, disorientation, and faintness are all common symptoms for me). And if I have to interact with too many people for too long of a time, I become agitated and usually develop a migraine. There's a reason I disappear for a while during family gatherings - I'm preventing myself from getting sick.
I really hate going into unfamiliar situations with no preparation. First days of anything are always a nightmare waiting to happen for me, emotionally. I usually stay quiet, preferring to watch and observe in a corner than throw myself into anything. I'm better at conquering that dislike now than I was as a kid, but it's still hard. There's this overwhelming sense of not wanting to be center stage all by myself (hence my love of choirs and not solos...), of not wanting to be noticed until I am more sure of the heirarchies and relationships that are going on around me. I fear in childhood that's what got me noticed more than anything - I was the one that didn't want to interact with people, and was weird because of it.
Conquering that sense of weirdness and awkwardness - that I don't truly fit in - is difficult. Supposedly this is a very common issue for HSPs. We don't fit the norm, but we're not different enough to be considered "cool," a la Lady Gaga. We're outliers, balanced on not really feeling as if we belong anywhere, and retreating into ourselves (or a hobby, or work, or something) as a way of protecting ourselves. In today's society, I can minimize interactions with the handy invention known as "The Headphones." I'm not anti-social, I've just got my music going and it's not cool to disturb music-going-people unless it's really important. I've lost track of how many times I've stuck my earbuds in just to avoid conversations on airplanes, busses, airports, car rides, walking around town or at work. It's a handy trick that enables me. Do I care? A bit. Will I stop? Probably not. The ability to watch and not be pointed out as a watcher is awesome.
How do you explain to people that you're different and that your different-ness is valid and should be respected and that you're not weird, you just can't handle certain stimuli? I'm not sure what the answer is, really. I've not finished the book, so I'll get to that part when I get there. From a personal standpoint, I think that confidence and self-assurance is key, and guarding your reasons is (unfortunately) a lesson that I've learned - just say "no thanks" and leave it at that. Learning to not get upset or defensive when people don't believe you in helpful, too. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times that I've felt frustrated because someone didn't understand why I wasn't going to eat some food or go to a loud environment. Acceptance is not easy for most people, especially when it comes to experiential issues. "What?! It's "so and so" live! You love them! Everyone loves them!" The subtext being "What is wrong with you that you can't enjoy this thing that everyone else does?" Yeah, I love Linkin Park, and seeing Lady Gaga in concert would be really cool, but neither of those things are ever going to happen because I will, without the shadow of a doubt, end up miserable, sick and hating whomever it is that dragged me in. When I landed free tickets to a Black Eyed Peas concert last year, I made sure to buy earplugs on the way to the concert because I knew that would be the ONLY chance I had to survive. My body was still vibrating afterwards, and not in that fun energy-of-the-crowd way. It was more of a oh-dear-god-do-we-not-know-how-to-balance-the-bass-and-have-these-people-never-heard-of-the-concept-of-overkill? sort of feeling. In my BONES. We left the concert early.
Something that I've been dealing with in introspection and conversations with my therapist is how being an HSP influences my reactions. Overall, I tend to take a lot of things personally, even when they aren't meant as such. I feel that criticisms of anything I'm involved in are critiques of me and get out of whack. We're also talking about how this has influence my reactions to all of the crap that I was dealt in November, and the less-than-optimal things that seem to keep stacking up against me. I don't entirely understand myself yet, and I don't think that I'm going to "fix" my reactions anytime soon. But it is nice to delve into and sort out WHY I have reactions and learn to better cope with the emotions that accompany Big Life Issues. Like deaths and breakups and friendships ending and relationships of many sorts.
I'm working on accepting my limitations, and having more patience with myself when I start to feel or think that these limitations are negatively impacting me. It's not my fault. It's no one's fault. It's hard, nor is it fair, to lay blame at the feet of any one person because they cannot deal with certain things. Just as we all have some food that we will not consume, for any reason other than pure starvation. (For me, that would be bugs. Things with tentacles run a very, very close second.) My mother can't drink because it makes her sick. There is no blame, there is no fault. There is simple fact and there is human dignity. It is my right to refuse things if it helps maintain my dignity, which is much easier to do if I'm not begging for someone to put a bullet through my eye because it's burning from the migraine.
Most HSPs, by the time they figure out their coping mechanisms, are in their 20s and 30s. Living as adults, fending for yourself, you learn where your boundaries are and how to accommodate yourself. Part of my accommodations include retreating to a quiet place when I start to feel overwhelmed, keeping migraine meds on hand at all times, and forcing myself through relaxation exercises when the going gets really bad. I just wish I didn't feel like I needed to do the relaxation stuff so often right now...
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Brain Hive Inside Me
A thousand swirling twirling whirling thoughts are in my mind
The rapid planning, goals I'm manning, taking up my time
There's things to do and meetings too and don't forget the donuts
Where's the dog must beat the fog am I actually a grownup?
Days to plan and nights to cook and things are needing buying
Get to work and clean that shirt, house chores are multiplying
My brain is stuck in third gear as we hurtle down the highway
RPMs too high for safety, making burnout rather likely
But I can't stop, can't find the clutch and gear shift in my head
Don't know how to shut up, be myself, or even who I am
There's so much I want to see and do and maybe if I plan it
I'll have it all and be the best, with time to organize the planet
The schedule tells me I'm off track; I don't know what to do
Where do I turn, my brain it burns, cant seem to think it through
The madness grows and grabs my toes, sucking my soul in
Deadlines to meet, bosses to greet, my interest waning thin
I'm start to lose it bruise it fuse it then the music changes
From symphony to screeching frenzied damned angry violins
This is what my life is, here’s a window to my head
You don’t have to like it or even understand
But any chance of getting me means accepting who I am
The rapid planning, goals I'm manning, taking up my time
There's things to do and meetings too and don't forget the donuts
Where's the dog must beat the fog am I actually a grownup?
Days to plan and nights to cook and things are needing buying
Get to work and clean that shirt, house chores are multiplying
My brain is stuck in third gear as we hurtle down the highway
RPMs too high for safety, making burnout rather likely
But I can't stop, can't find the clutch and gear shift in my head
Don't know how to shut up, be myself, or even who I am
There's so much I want to see and do and maybe if I plan it
I'll have it all and be the best, with time to organize the planet
The schedule tells me I'm off track; I don't know what to do
Where do I turn, my brain it burns, cant seem to think it through
The madness grows and grabs my toes, sucking my soul in
Deadlines to meet, bosses to greet, my interest waning thin
I'm start to lose it bruise it fuse it then the music changes
From symphony to screeching frenzied damned angry violins
This is what my life is, here’s a window to my head
You don’t have to like it or even understand
But any chance of getting me means accepting who I am
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Future Reference
Sometimes, writing is the best therapy for me.
In the coming weeks, I'm probably going to be writing about a lot of stuff that's deeply personal. Not like a list of my sexual partners or anything obscene, obviously, but a lot of stuff that I'm still figuring out in therapy and in my head.
I need you, my readers, to remember a few things as these things come forward.
First and foremost, these are my opinions, my memories and my thoughts. They are not perfect. They are flawed and skewed; filtered through the foggy lens of childhood; aged and cracked with time. They will not be rational, they may not make sense, and if you were there for some of them, you may not agree with my interpretation. All of our memories and interpretations are fallible, yours and mine.
But they are real, for me. What happened, what I felt in my moments of memory, they are as real as anyone's memories of the past. They are valid. And they are mine. I make no apology for my thoughts. They are what they are, and nothing can change the way I have felt about certain things, especially when those feelings are associated with memories and idea who define who I am today.
I am sorry if some of these things upset you. (This is particularly aimed at my parents.) What happened, happened, and now I must shake off the mantle of the dusty past in order to claim my bright and shiny future. I cannot move ahead without confronting the demons that exist. Because we all have demons. Most of mine come in two forms: a childhood of being different and an adulthood of constant responsibility.
I am not crying for pity. I do not write for attention, nor pats on the head (which is damnably condescending, anyways, and I'll kick your condescending ass before I let you pat me on the head). I write for release. There will be drafts that don't see the light of the Internet. There will be things that I say that might make you think me stupid and insecure. But I can't let your opinions of me rule my life.
Today, I claim my birthright. I claim myself.
In the coming weeks, I'm probably going to be writing about a lot of stuff that's deeply personal. Not like a list of my sexual partners or anything obscene, obviously, but a lot of stuff that I'm still figuring out in therapy and in my head.
I need you, my readers, to remember a few things as these things come forward.
First and foremost, these are my opinions, my memories and my thoughts. They are not perfect. They are flawed and skewed; filtered through the foggy lens of childhood; aged and cracked with time. They will not be rational, they may not make sense, and if you were there for some of them, you may not agree with my interpretation. All of our memories and interpretations are fallible, yours and mine.
But they are real, for me. What happened, what I felt in my moments of memory, they are as real as anyone's memories of the past. They are valid. And they are mine. I make no apology for my thoughts. They are what they are, and nothing can change the way I have felt about certain things, especially when those feelings are associated with memories and idea who define who I am today.
I am sorry if some of these things upset you. (This is particularly aimed at my parents.) What happened, happened, and now I must shake off the mantle of the dusty past in order to claim my bright and shiny future. I cannot move ahead without confronting the demons that exist. Because we all have demons. Most of mine come in two forms: a childhood of being different and an adulthood of constant responsibility.
I am not crying for pity. I do not write for attention, nor pats on the head (which is damnably condescending, anyways, and I'll kick your condescending ass before I let you pat me on the head). I write for release. There will be drafts that don't see the light of the Internet. There will be things that I say that might make you think me stupid and insecure. But I can't let your opinions of me rule my life.
Today, I claim my birthright. I claim myself.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Reading in the 21st Century
I am a child of the Millennial generation. I have seen the invention of reading tablets, tiny laptops that weigh but a few pounds, phones that are computers, capacitive touch screens, harddrives that don't need to spin up or down and external 1 terabyte harddrives that cost $70 (and I bought a 2TB external for $100. I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do with 2TB of storage, but I have it). Technology isn't prevalent. It is rampant.
Part of why I love doing what I do is because I get to play with new toys and ideas (usually on Mommy Yale's dime). About a year and a half ago my previous dept. got a Kindle to play with, and started off my love affair with e-readers. I eventually had to give it back as I moved depts, but I recently bought my own Kindle 3 in a silent auction benefiting my choir. I love the Kindle 3 just as much as I loved the Kindle 2 (plus it's lighter, which is nice). I have Calibre so that I can put my own books on it (and convert them as needed) and I have friends who I exchange files with. I haven't really tried the loaning feature yet, but we'll get there.
Something I don't understand, though, is how and why I can buy a physical book for less money than I can a digital book. Yes, there are licensing fees; of course. But when I can buy a used hardback edition of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters for a penny + $3.99 shipping (yes, you read that right, a PENNY) while the digital version is $17, I take issue with it.
It's not that I don't want to pay for content. I just don't like paying more for content than I have to. Why should I pay $17 for a digital version when I can pay $4 for a hardcover book? Digital is the future, obviously. But my generation knows how to comparison shop. Amazon sort of just bit itself in that aspect: the hardcover book I bought was through one of their resellers.
I also am frustrated when there are books I want to read that aren't available in a digital format. I'll pay for the damn book; just release it to us! Certain books, like my crochet books, I don't want on the Kindle. I want nice big pages with color illustrations for those. But things like Harry Potter? Kindle. Please. (I do have a digital Harry Potter; I just used that as an example.)
While nothing can compare with the tactile experience of a book (am I a kinesthetic learner, so I definitely appreciate that), I have to appreciate the fact that I don't have to carry around several books at once. I remember carting around POUNDS and POUNDS of text books in high school and college, and thinking "OH DEAR HEAVENS I AM GOING TO DIE" at least once from the weight. How much does the average e-reader weigh? 8-10 ounces? Yeahhhhh... that's a huge difference.
I hope that schools get on the e-reader bandwagon. Reading all of my HUST books on a e-reader would have been SOOOOO helpful, especially now that you can do things like share comments and highlighted portions these days. It would have made citation a pain in the ass, but I have a feeling that eventually that will be addressed by the MLA, the Chicago Style people and both the APAs.
To the naysayers and people freaking out about the demise of the bookstore, I'd like to point out that history is full of these things. Let's look at the horse and cart, for example. People freaked out that cars were coming in, and protesting, and angry. And now we have an estimated 600 million cars on the road, world wide. Progress is going to keep marching on, and we have two choices: make it work for us or get left shaking our fists in its wake (and then you get people/characters like Umbridge who spout off gems like "progress for progress' sake," which was a delightful commentary by Rowling on the conservative agenda sweeping many of the political bodies across the globe, in my opinion).
Part of why I love doing what I do is because I get to play with new toys and ideas (usually on Mommy Yale's dime). About a year and a half ago my previous dept. got a Kindle to play with, and started off my love affair with e-readers. I eventually had to give it back as I moved depts, but I recently bought my own Kindle 3 in a silent auction benefiting my choir. I love the Kindle 3 just as much as I loved the Kindle 2 (plus it's lighter, which is nice). I have Calibre so that I can put my own books on it (and convert them as needed) and I have friends who I exchange files with. I haven't really tried the loaning feature yet, but we'll get there.
Something I don't understand, though, is how and why I can buy a physical book for less money than I can a digital book. Yes, there are licensing fees; of course. But when I can buy a used hardback edition of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters for a penny + $3.99 shipping (yes, you read that right, a PENNY) while the digital version is $17, I take issue with it.
It's not that I don't want to pay for content. I just don't like paying more for content than I have to. Why should I pay $17 for a digital version when I can pay $4 for a hardcover book? Digital is the future, obviously. But my generation knows how to comparison shop. Amazon sort of just bit itself in that aspect: the hardcover book I bought was through one of their resellers.
I also am frustrated when there are books I want to read that aren't available in a digital format. I'll pay for the damn book; just release it to us! Certain books, like my crochet books, I don't want on the Kindle. I want nice big pages with color illustrations for those. But things like Harry Potter? Kindle. Please. (I do have a digital Harry Potter; I just used that as an example.)
While nothing can compare with the tactile experience of a book (am I a kinesthetic learner, so I definitely appreciate that), I have to appreciate the fact that I don't have to carry around several books at once. I remember carting around POUNDS and POUNDS of text books in high school and college, and thinking "OH DEAR HEAVENS I AM GOING TO DIE" at least once from the weight. How much does the average e-reader weigh? 8-10 ounces? Yeahhhhh... that's a huge difference.
I hope that schools get on the e-reader bandwagon. Reading all of my HUST books on a e-reader would have been SOOOOO helpful, especially now that you can do things like share comments and highlighted portions these days. It would have made citation a pain in the ass, but I have a feeling that eventually that will be addressed by the MLA, the Chicago Style people and both the APAs.
To the naysayers and people freaking out about the demise of the bookstore, I'd like to point out that history is full of these things. Let's look at the horse and cart, for example. People freaked out that cars were coming in, and protesting, and angry. And now we have an estimated 600 million cars on the road, world wide. Progress is going to keep marching on, and we have two choices: make it work for us or get left shaking our fists in its wake (and then you get people/characters like Umbridge who spout off gems like "progress for progress' sake," which was a delightful commentary by Rowling on the conservative agenda sweeping many of the political bodies across the globe, in my opinion).
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Email and family management
We have a slight problem in my family. Especially with the baby boomers.
Certain people like to send me email. Great! I'm glad you're thinking of me. But I really, really don't like getting chain mail/spam.
It's one thing when it's genuinely funny. One of my cousins sends me stuff fairly often, but I actually laugh at it. So it's OK; we have similar senses of humor and we will email back and forth entertaining comments about the funny. So she knows that I'm cool with her highly amusing forwards.
My grandmother, on the other hand.... Well, we've already had one discussion about how getting religious-toned pro-American military everything was a bit offensive as a humanist, pacifist and atheist. And she took it quite well, and I haven't gotten anything from her in that vein lately. But I still get stuff from her and other older family members. And it's so OBNOXIOUS.
I think the biggest issue that we are using email for different things. They are using it as an occasional communication tool that is capable of holding files, pictures, words, and ideas. I, on the other hand, am an email power user. I use my work email to communicate with hundreds of people on a daily basis. I use my personal email to stay abreast of community issues, what's going on in Facebook, what my friends are up to, to manage choir business and to inform my friends and family as to what's going on in my life. Yes, amusing and funny things make their way into both my work and personal email, but for me, email is not an optional thing that I log into occasionally. I am in my email inboxes at least 10 hours a day. I have three active email accounts, as well as specialized email aliases that forward to my personal and work accounts, the 20+ email lists that I'm on, or the separate email accounts that forward to my main accounts (such as ResNet, choir and Parker's).
On an average day, I read about 200 emails. I send at least 40, if not more. A lot of them are quick responses, that take seconds to compose and send. But I am an email power user: I use the keyboard fairly exclusively once I start working in Apple Mail, and I type FAST. Email is not some fluffy thing for me. It is an integral part of my job and responsibilities, and when someone sends me crap about The World's Biggest Hug or "RE: Love SPell - Pass it ON OR ELSE!!1!" it makes me upset. Because they've now stolen 5 seconds of my time. It's my time, dammit. It doesn't matter that it was seconds. What matters is that people are not cognizant of me and my needs. And that as family and friends, I expect more of them.
So, a plea to my older relatives: stop sending me spam. I appreciate that you think of me, really, I do. But I would rather you put the time and energy into a proper email, or even an e-card, than you hit "forward" and make me deal with something that I probably won't find that funny. If I want to look at funny pictures of cats, I know the web address of lolcats.com. If I want to listen to sappy music, I'm pretty sure that I have Frank Sinatra somewhere on in my iTunes Library. And if I wanted to read/listen/watch anything to do with conservative "values," pro-military agendas, and paranoid Republicans, I would just go to Fox News. Out of those three, the lolcats are the only ones I am mildly interested in.
In case you're wondering, I do have an email policy. I email people back politely the first time, asking them to not send me stuff. The second time I threaten to mark their address as "spam" in my email. And the third time I do. So I have no idea if a couple of family members ever try to email me. If they can't respect my (very basic) email wishes, I probably don't have much in common with them, anyways.
Certain people like to send me email. Great! I'm glad you're thinking of me. But I really, really don't like getting chain mail/spam.
It's one thing when it's genuinely funny. One of my cousins sends me stuff fairly often, but I actually laugh at it. So it's OK; we have similar senses of humor and we will email back and forth entertaining comments about the funny. So she knows that I'm cool with her highly amusing forwards.
My grandmother, on the other hand.... Well, we've already had one discussion about how getting religious-toned pro-American military everything was a bit offensive as a humanist, pacifist and atheist. And she took it quite well, and I haven't gotten anything from her in that vein lately. But I still get stuff from her and other older family members. And it's so OBNOXIOUS.
I think the biggest issue that we are using email for different things. They are using it as an occasional communication tool that is capable of holding files, pictures, words, and ideas. I, on the other hand, am an email power user. I use my work email to communicate with hundreds of people on a daily basis. I use my personal email to stay abreast of community issues, what's going on in Facebook, what my friends are up to, to manage choir business and to inform my friends and family as to what's going on in my life. Yes, amusing and funny things make their way into both my work and personal email, but for me, email is not an optional thing that I log into occasionally. I am in my email inboxes at least 10 hours a day. I have three active email accounts, as well as specialized email aliases that forward to my personal and work accounts, the 20+ email lists that I'm on, or the separate email accounts that forward to my main accounts (such as ResNet, choir and Parker's).
On an average day, I read about 200 emails. I send at least 40, if not more. A lot of them are quick responses, that take seconds to compose and send. But I am an email power user: I use the keyboard fairly exclusively once I start working in Apple Mail, and I type FAST. Email is not some fluffy thing for me. It is an integral part of my job and responsibilities, and when someone sends me crap about The World's Biggest Hug or "RE: Love SPell - Pass it ON OR ELSE!!1!" it makes me upset. Because they've now stolen 5 seconds of my time. It's my time, dammit. It doesn't matter that it was seconds. What matters is that people are not cognizant of me and my needs. And that as family and friends, I expect more of them.
So, a plea to my older relatives: stop sending me spam. I appreciate that you think of me, really, I do. But I would rather you put the time and energy into a proper email, or even an e-card, than you hit "forward" and make me deal with something that I probably won't find that funny. If I want to look at funny pictures of cats, I know the web address of lolcats.com. If I want to listen to sappy music, I'm pretty sure that I have Frank Sinatra somewhere on in my iTunes Library. And if I wanted to read/listen/watch anything to do with conservative "values," pro-military agendas, and paranoid Republicans, I would just go to Fox News. Out of those three, the lolcats are the only ones I am mildly interested in.
In case you're wondering, I do have an email policy. I email people back politely the first time, asking them to not send me stuff. The second time I threaten to mark their address as "spam" in my email. And the third time I do. So I have no idea if a couple of family members ever try to email me. If they can't respect my (very basic) email wishes, I probably don't have much in common with them, anyways.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Official Unorthodoxy
One of the largest parts of my job (and by largest I mean "Thing That Sucks Up Huge Amounts of Time") is teaching the new students how to use the equipment that we have in the program, and how to use the software that goes with it.
Last week's lesson was about the Olympus LS-10 audio recorders that we check out, and Garageband. The general plan was that I was going to provide some examples of radio interviews (a la "This American Life"), everyone would "interview" each other on any topic that they wanted, and then they would create something that was inspired by the examples in Garageband. Each finished project should be 3-5 minutes long, have audio, music, ambient noises and maybe some sound effects.
In preparation for the teaching session, I found a recorded copy of a talk that Ira Glass gave at Yale two years ago. He was specifically speaking about the role of radio in modern journalism, but a lot of what he talked about - and did during the talk - was highly relevant to the lesson that I wanted them to learn. I worked with the Yale Broadcasting department to get a copy of the talk, and then watched it a few times to pick out what I wanted to use.
I chose to just have them watch the first 20 minutes, with occasional pauses at specific points to talk about what Glass was doing in the presentation, as he used sound bites from previous programs to illustrate his points. I had them watch his body language, pay attention to his mannerisms - everything he did was deliberate and specific. We talked about the points that he was making, about journalism and storytelling. I finished that part of the program by asking them to talk about why storytelling is important in media projects, and to think about the art of it as they put together their own mini-interviews.
For the rest of the time, the students recorded short interviews with each other, loaded things up into Garageband, and answered questions about how Garageband works. Some of the answers I knew off of the top of my head, but I did a lot of Googling on the projector so that everyone could see what was going on. We then collected the interviews at the end, and the went on their merry way. They seemed to enjoy the idea of technology and creativity, and there were a lot of interesting questions that came up.
And then I listened to the interviews. Some were just OK. And some where AMAZING. But most importantly, they all GOT it. They GOT what I wanted, they appeared to be having fun when we were doing it, and they learned something in the projected amount of time that I set up.
So what was different about this lesson than others?
First, I went into it with a storytelling theme/attitude. I told them that part of good media projects includes the concept of storytelling. A good presentation includes a story. A good movie sucks you in. An article that includes a touch of human is no longer boring. Storytelling is essential. And storytelling is art. And they got excited about art and technology. Specifically, art and technology that related to their job.
Secondly, we tried something new in the examples part. We watched. We paused. I pointed out things. We discussed. We watched more. Rinse and repeat. There was a certain level of interaction that we hadn't done before, and I think that really, really helped get the ideas and points across. I took the time to speak to them as artists. We connected. It was sort of awesome.
And so, I began a dialogue with my supervisors. I asked if I could go to a conference/workshop at the end of April, on storytelling. I talked about what happened, and how I think that next year, we should have a storytelling theme. That it should be incorporated into how I teach, how they learn and think about media. That storytelling could better improve presentation skills, and liven up boring PowerPoint slides. Both my direct supervisor and her boss thought that it was a very interesting approach. And said yes.
HOLY COW. How often do we, as IT managers of students, get to try something so out of the box? It's not as often as most would like, I think. I am very, very fortunate that I work with a team of people who are usually ready to try new things and hear my ideas out, and especially lucky that my supervisors are very open-minded. I wish this was something that more higher ed institutions would do on the business end of things: try something new. You don't have to devote huge amounts of resources to a new idea to test it; the conference is only $150 or so. In the yearly budget, that's pocket change. Far too often, I think, do we fall into the category of attempting to be innovative but lacking the actual drive to try something so alien. "Let's try something new" is not the same as "Let me turn my entire teaching method on its head." It's related, like mangoes are related to poison ivy (they both carry urushiol). Some parts are sort of the same, but really there isn't that much to compare.
I'm really happy that I get to try something new and crazy at work. This is what I love: pushing boundaries, creating bridges and connections out of thin air. I just wish that I could get everyone on board the Do Crazy Things at Work Train.
Last week's lesson was about the Olympus LS-10 audio recorders that we check out, and Garageband. The general plan was that I was going to provide some examples of radio interviews (a la "This American Life"), everyone would "interview" each other on any topic that they wanted, and then they would create something that was inspired by the examples in Garageband. Each finished project should be 3-5 minutes long, have audio, music, ambient noises and maybe some sound effects.
In preparation for the teaching session, I found a recorded copy of a talk that Ira Glass gave at Yale two years ago. He was specifically speaking about the role of radio in modern journalism, but a lot of what he talked about - and did during the talk - was highly relevant to the lesson that I wanted them to learn. I worked with the Yale Broadcasting department to get a copy of the talk, and then watched it a few times to pick out what I wanted to use.
I chose to just have them watch the first 20 minutes, with occasional pauses at specific points to talk about what Glass was doing in the presentation, as he used sound bites from previous programs to illustrate his points. I had them watch his body language, pay attention to his mannerisms - everything he did was deliberate and specific. We talked about the points that he was making, about journalism and storytelling. I finished that part of the program by asking them to talk about why storytelling is important in media projects, and to think about the art of it as they put together their own mini-interviews.
For the rest of the time, the students recorded short interviews with each other, loaded things up into Garageband, and answered questions about how Garageband works. Some of the answers I knew off of the top of my head, but I did a lot of Googling on the projector so that everyone could see what was going on. We then collected the interviews at the end, and the went on their merry way. They seemed to enjoy the idea of technology and creativity, and there were a lot of interesting questions that came up.
And then I listened to the interviews. Some were just OK. And some where AMAZING. But most importantly, they all GOT it. They GOT what I wanted, they appeared to be having fun when we were doing it, and they learned something in the projected amount of time that I set up.
So what was different about this lesson than others?
First, I went into it with a storytelling theme/attitude. I told them that part of good media projects includes the concept of storytelling. A good presentation includes a story. A good movie sucks you in. An article that includes a touch of human is no longer boring. Storytelling is essential. And storytelling is art. And they got excited about art and technology. Specifically, art and technology that related to their job.
Secondly, we tried something new in the examples part. We watched. We paused. I pointed out things. We discussed. We watched more. Rinse and repeat. There was a certain level of interaction that we hadn't done before, and I think that really, really helped get the ideas and points across. I took the time to speak to them as artists. We connected. It was sort of awesome.
And so, I began a dialogue with my supervisors. I asked if I could go to a conference/workshop at the end of April, on storytelling. I talked about what happened, and how I think that next year, we should have a storytelling theme. That it should be incorporated into how I teach, how they learn and think about media. That storytelling could better improve presentation skills, and liven up boring PowerPoint slides. Both my direct supervisor and her boss thought that it was a very interesting approach. And said yes.
HOLY COW. How often do we, as IT managers of students, get to try something so out of the box? It's not as often as most would like, I think. I am very, very fortunate that I work with a team of people who are usually ready to try new things and hear my ideas out, and especially lucky that my supervisors are very open-minded. I wish this was something that more higher ed institutions would do on the business end of things: try something new. You don't have to devote huge amounts of resources to a new idea to test it; the conference is only $150 or so. In the yearly budget, that's pocket change. Far too often, I think, do we fall into the category of attempting to be innovative but lacking the actual drive to try something so alien. "Let's try something new" is not the same as "Let me turn my entire teaching method on its head." It's related, like mangoes are related to poison ivy (they both carry urushiol). Some parts are sort of the same, but really there isn't that much to compare.
I'm really happy that I get to try something new and crazy at work. This is what I love: pushing boundaries, creating bridges and connections out of thin air. I just wish that I could get everyone on board the Do Crazy Things at Work Train.
Monday, March 14, 2011
o rly?
Apparently le ex has jumped on the blog band wagon. And in one of his posts I am described as a "pompous, self-centered woman."
Hurray, I'm not a girl any longer! Too bad I describe him as "that idiot." Doesn't even get a sex or gender identity.
OK, so why am I reading his blog? I have no fucking clue. I must be a glutton for punishment or something.
I did refrain from posting a comment because I'm mature or something like that. But it pisses me off that he gets to say things like that. Were we not part of the same relationship and break up? Because I'm pretty sure that I'm not a pompous, self-centered bitch. I have my moments, yes. But I'm not the one who decided to make a choice that only had one result: a break up. I'm trying to be really "grown up" here and not blather ALL of the messy details to the world, but right now it's really tempting.
Don't call me names if you aren't willing to back up your ideas with facts. Don't accuse me of being something without giving the whole story. Because I have a feeling that anyone who knew ALL of the facts would tell him he's an idiot (and those that do know, tend think along those lines). Someone related to me died because someone else made a similar choice to his. And THAT is what pisses me off and makes me so angry that clench my teeth as my throat swells shut.
It was a choice. He chose to hurt me.
He made a choice, and continues to make choices, apparently, that are hurtful and shameful. But I'm making choices, too. Some are big and some are small, but all of them are weighed with my friends and family in mind. The world is so much bigger than me, and my life is not just mine. Ignoring that fact, making me feel like I don't matter is the worse thing you can do to me. And he did it. I wasn't important to him. My family wasn't important to him. We as a couple were not important to him.
But I am important to so many other people, and I know that. I have friends and family who love me and are helping me get through every dark day and are laughing right along with me during the lighter ones. I have a dog that adores me (CUDDLES!). And their choices are ones that are inclusive and loving, and I'm grateful for that every day. I'm making the choice to move on, and some days it's really, really hard. Not the "oh god I want him back" type of hard (dear sweet heavens no), but the "must release anger and pain to get back to the good vibes" type of hard.
But get there, I will. I must. Or I'll go insane. And that would totally mess up my plans for world domination.
Hurray, I'm not a girl any longer! Too bad I describe him as "that idiot." Doesn't even get a sex or gender identity.
OK, so why am I reading his blog? I have no fucking clue. I must be a glutton for punishment or something.
I did refrain from posting a comment because I'm mature or something like that. But it pisses me off that he gets to say things like that. Were we not part of the same relationship and break up? Because I'm pretty sure that I'm not a pompous, self-centered bitch. I have my moments, yes. But I'm not the one who decided to make a choice that only had one result: a break up. I'm trying to be really "grown up" here and not blather ALL of the messy details to the world, but right now it's really tempting.
Don't call me names if you aren't willing to back up your ideas with facts. Don't accuse me of being something without giving the whole story. Because I have a feeling that anyone who knew ALL of the facts would tell him he's an idiot (and those that do know, tend think along those lines). Someone related to me died because someone else made a similar choice to his. And THAT is what pisses me off and makes me so angry that clench my teeth as my throat swells shut.
It was a choice. He chose to hurt me.
He made a choice, and continues to make choices, apparently, that are hurtful and shameful. But I'm making choices, too. Some are big and some are small, but all of them are weighed with my friends and family in mind. The world is so much bigger than me, and my life is not just mine. Ignoring that fact, making me feel like I don't matter is the worse thing you can do to me. And he did it. I wasn't important to him. My family wasn't important to him. We as a couple were not important to him.
But I am important to so many other people, and I know that. I have friends and family who love me and are helping me get through every dark day and are laughing right along with me during the lighter ones. I have a dog that adores me (CUDDLES!). And their choices are ones that are inclusive and loving, and I'm grateful for that every day. I'm making the choice to move on, and some days it's really, really hard. Not the "oh god I want him back" type of hard (dear sweet heavens no), but the "must release anger and pain to get back to the good vibes" type of hard.
But get there, I will. I must. Or I'll go insane. And that would totally mess up my plans for world domination.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Learning to Be A Giving Geek
There was a brief period in time in my childhood where I was obsessed by pink (Yes, really, truly. You can ask my mother.). I had a pink room, and wore pink dresses and played with pink Barbies and everything was pink pink pink. I'm not sure why, but one day I woke up and decided that I hated pink and dresses and everything that was super frilly (I still liked Barbie though).
For a long time I was anti-pink. My mother tried to get me into a pink shirt for a choir thing (we all had to wear solid colored tees) and I was not. having. it. I was "into" black for a while, as much as my parents would like me (which wasn't a whole lot), and I've had blue and green clothing phases, too. Nowadays there's a lot of color, dominated by black, white, black and white, jewel tones, and definitely still a lot of green. I wear what I call Professional Geek Chic most of the time.
But it wasn't just a color shift back when I was 10 or so. It was personality shift. I became really bookish. I was the smarty pants. The know-it-all. I was fairly shy and reserved, though in high school I did finally get a group of close friends. My nickname in high school was "Hermione" (and a lot of my handles online reflect that with "BiblioHermione"). I was a nerd. Maybe even *gasp!*... a dweeb.*
In college, though, I managed to morph into the illustrious and highly sought after title of geek. I got a better grasp of how to socialize, found some of the most amazing young women to exist on the planet to be my friends**, lucked out by finding a job that introduced me to the awesomeness of computers and helping people while simultaneously providing me with a mentor and a chance for upward mobility (student manager: achievement unlocked). I found my niche. I found my footing as a confident and capable young woman, and started learning how I could be a Woman and a Geek at the same time.
One of the hardest things to learn, though, was to love and accept former self-nerd-dweeb-Erin. Acknowledging that I had things to learn to be a better person, a better RCC was sometimes hard. But with a close-knit set of friends that I met through work and my classes, I did it. (We pulled friends from work into classes. And friends from classes into work. And it all culminated in the Magical Year of 2008. That's another story, though.) Though a lot of love and support, we all learned that we had formidable skills and were Women To Be Reckoned With (Don't cross us. We will kill you with our minds. Just like River.).
One of the most valuable skills I learned, through college and continually through my job even now, is that part of being a Geek is striving to Be Awesome. (Barney Stinson fully agrees with me.) Having a very strong, self-confident personality is crucial to my Geekness. I don't take crap from people, though I've been learning lately about how to not take crap in a more polite and constructive manner. (Being belligerent doesn't work so well with people. HUH.) Learning to say "I don't know; let's find out" and being open about my knowledge levels has been important, too. Open to learning and brainstorming is equally part of the skill set that I've acquired, as has been "how to have open lines of communication" and "teaching/training people how to use things." While these skills aren't necessarily part of the standard Geek repertoire, they DO make me a very efficient, competent and capable Geeky Manager.
I've been blessed by good friends and role models, and part of me being a geek is giving that back. I'm pretty heavily involved in ResNet, Inc. I volunteer at a natural science museum, specifically working with the 5-10 age range using themed kits about anthropology and natural science (as well as photographer when they need one). I pay special attention to my student workers, making sure that they have the support and tools to grow and learn. I network like crazy for my friends. And I pay special attention to the girls, always. Women in science and tech need strong, supportive role models, and I fully intend to be one.
I am proud to be a Girl Geek. And I am proud to help make more Girl Geeks who are self-confident and strong. Because we're awesome.
*For the purposes of this post, I will be using the Great White Snark Venn Diagram of Nerd-Dork-Geek-Dweebness as my schema.
**For those of you living under rocks, I went to an all women's college. No, we did not have lesbian make out parties. We did throw awesome parties, though.
For a long time I was anti-pink. My mother tried to get me into a pink shirt for a choir thing (we all had to wear solid colored tees) and I was not. having. it. I was "into" black for a while, as much as my parents would like me (which wasn't a whole lot), and I've had blue and green clothing phases, too. Nowadays there's a lot of color, dominated by black, white, black and white, jewel tones, and definitely still a lot of green. I wear what I call Professional Geek Chic most of the time.
But it wasn't just a color shift back when I was 10 or so. It was personality shift. I became really bookish. I was the smarty pants. The know-it-all. I was fairly shy and reserved, though in high school I did finally get a group of close friends. My nickname in high school was "Hermione" (and a lot of my handles online reflect that with "BiblioHermione"). I was a nerd. Maybe even *gasp!*... a dweeb.*
In college, though, I managed to morph into the illustrious and highly sought after title of geek. I got a better grasp of how to socialize, found some of the most amazing young women to exist on the planet to be my friends**, lucked out by finding a job that introduced me to the awesomeness of computers and helping people while simultaneously providing me with a mentor and a chance for upward mobility (student manager: achievement unlocked). I found my niche. I found my footing as a confident and capable young woman, and started learning how I could be a Woman and a Geek at the same time.
One of the hardest things to learn, though, was to love and accept former self-nerd-dweeb-Erin. Acknowledging that I had things to learn to be a better person, a better RCC was sometimes hard. But with a close-knit set of friends that I met through work and my classes, I did it. (We pulled friends from work into classes. And friends from classes into work. And it all culminated in the Magical Year of 2008. That's another story, though.) Though a lot of love and support, we all learned that we had formidable skills and were Women To Be Reckoned With (Don't cross us. We will kill you with our minds. Just like River.).
One of the most valuable skills I learned, through college and continually through my job even now, is that part of being a Geek is striving to Be Awesome. (Barney Stinson fully agrees with me.) Having a very strong, self-confident personality is crucial to my Geekness. I don't take crap from people, though I've been learning lately about how to not take crap in a more polite and constructive manner. (Being belligerent doesn't work so well with people. HUH.) Learning to say "I don't know; let's find out" and being open about my knowledge levels has been important, too. Open to learning and brainstorming is equally part of the skill set that I've acquired, as has been "how to have open lines of communication" and "teaching/training people how to use things." While these skills aren't necessarily part of the standard Geek repertoire, they DO make me a very efficient, competent and capable Geeky Manager.
I've been blessed by good friends and role models, and part of me being a geek is giving that back. I'm pretty heavily involved in ResNet, Inc. I volunteer at a natural science museum, specifically working with the 5-10 age range using themed kits about anthropology and natural science (as well as photographer when they need one). I pay special attention to my student workers, making sure that they have the support and tools to grow and learn. I network like crazy for my friends. And I pay special attention to the girls, always. Women in science and tech need strong, supportive role models, and I fully intend to be one.
I am proud to be a Girl Geek. And I am proud to help make more Girl Geeks who are self-confident and strong. Because we're awesome.
*For the purposes of this post, I will be using the Great White Snark Venn Diagram of Nerd-Dork-Geek-Dweebness as my schema.
**For those of you living under rocks, I went to an all women's college. No, we did not have lesbian make out parties. We did throw awesome parties, though.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
"Here we are now, entertain us!"
One of the greatest things that I love about the Internet is that I can usually get access to media pretty fast. I want a movie? I can rent it on iTunes or Amazon, or sometimes watch it on instant view on Netflix. Or I can buy it from iTunes or Amazon. I can order DVDs to get in my mail box online, I can watch my favorite shows on Hulu, and older shows on Netflix. I can stream music from last.fm, Pandora and a million other places, as well as buy music from Amazon or iTunes.
But what happens when I can't find what I want? Specifically, let's consider the case of How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory.
I don't watch TV on a normal schedule. There are some weeks where I watch 0 hours. And then there are other weeks where I watch TONS. So things like Hulu and Netflix are great: I can watch what I want, when I want. Sometimes things will expire, but I get alerts and it's usually up online for a month or longer.
Now, HIMYM and BBT aren't on Hulu. They are only on CBS' website. And they only keep a single episode up for a week-ish. So when I don't have time to keep up, I'm screwed. I love both shows, but I've only seen the first two episodes of each this TV season because I have a pretty active life and don't have time to sit there and argue with CBS about being a stupid head (like they'd listen to me, anyways). So what am I to do?
Well, I can buy the season on iTunes. But I don't want to keep it. I just want to watch it once to keep current. Maybe I'll buy it on DVDs later, but I don't want to invest $60 right now on digital content. I can't rent the shows from iTunes, nor Amazon.
So let's get this straight. There isn't a free streaming service available. There isn't a renting service available. And the only way I can catch up is to pay $60 on iTunes.
Well, CBS, I am not spending 60 goddamned dollars on TV. I don't have cable because it's not necessary and I'm not going to pay through the nose for your content. I typically have a problem with people illegally downloading things, but when you make it nigh impossible for me to get reasonably priced access to content and materials, I really feel like I have very little choice in the matter. I can wait for it to come out on Netflix and get it in the mail, or I can torrent it with very few actual repercussions (statistically speaking).
Given that this is all part of a service that aims at delivering instant access to anything I want, they are failing me. I'm being told, on one hand, that I should expect to get just about anything I want with the click of a button. On the other hand, there are two rather popular shows that I can't get like that, and so I'm forced to make a decision: illegally download something or be patient with content even though I can get other, similar content in a legal manner. I'm faced with a decision that really isn't that hard.
I don't have a problem paying for content. What I do have a problem with is a system that sets me up with two choices that are both against the norm of other services offered and services advertised. When renting content becomes too difficult (and by difficult, I mean I'm LOOKING at iTunes, Hulu, Amazon and Netflix for solutions; I have accounts on each and regularly buy and watch other things from all of them), I'm going to say "Screw the system" and just download stuff.
[I won't do it on the Yale network. My current roommate works for InfoSec, I work for ITS and it would just look really bad for her to have to yell at her roommate for a DMCA violation. I don't download as a guest on other people's networks, because if something bad happens, it's not their fault and I don't want to cause problems for them. It will happen at home, on my Mac Mini, through Transmission and a throttled download/upload rate so as not to hog the bandwidth.]
I'm not a terrible, unethical person for doing this. I'm someone who's frustrated by the system. I see a workaround, and though it's not my first choice, it will get the job done and I will get what I want in the end. I understand that some people might have issues with my choices, but as I've explained, I've looked for reasonable, legal means to get what I want. They don't exist. And I'm not the only person with this issue, either. Until CBS gets its head on straight, I'm going to download and watch content at my leisure.
But what happens when I can't find what I want? Specifically, let's consider the case of How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory.
I don't watch TV on a normal schedule. There are some weeks where I watch 0 hours. And then there are other weeks where I watch TONS. So things like Hulu and Netflix are great: I can watch what I want, when I want. Sometimes things will expire, but I get alerts and it's usually up online for a month or longer.
Now, HIMYM and BBT aren't on Hulu. They are only on CBS' website. And they only keep a single episode up for a week-ish. So when I don't have time to keep up, I'm screwed. I love both shows, but I've only seen the first two episodes of each this TV season because I have a pretty active life and don't have time to sit there and argue with CBS about being a stupid head (like they'd listen to me, anyways). So what am I to do?
Well, I can buy the season on iTunes. But I don't want to keep it. I just want to watch it once to keep current. Maybe I'll buy it on DVDs later, but I don't want to invest $60 right now on digital content. I can't rent the shows from iTunes, nor Amazon.
So let's get this straight. There isn't a free streaming service available. There isn't a renting service available. And the only way I can catch up is to pay $60 on iTunes.
Well, CBS, I am not spending 60 goddamned dollars on TV. I don't have cable because it's not necessary and I'm not going to pay through the nose for your content. I typically have a problem with people illegally downloading things, but when you make it nigh impossible for me to get reasonably priced access to content and materials, I really feel like I have very little choice in the matter. I can wait for it to come out on Netflix and get it in the mail, or I can torrent it with very few actual repercussions (statistically speaking).
Given that this is all part of a service that aims at delivering instant access to anything I want, they are failing me. I'm being told, on one hand, that I should expect to get just about anything I want with the click of a button. On the other hand, there are two rather popular shows that I can't get like that, and so I'm forced to make a decision: illegally download something or be patient with content even though I can get other, similar content in a legal manner. I'm faced with a decision that really isn't that hard.
I don't have a problem paying for content. What I do have a problem with is a system that sets me up with two choices that are both against the norm of other services offered and services advertised. When renting content becomes too difficult (and by difficult, I mean I'm LOOKING at iTunes, Hulu, Amazon and Netflix for solutions; I have accounts on each and regularly buy and watch other things from all of them), I'm going to say "Screw the system" and just download stuff.
[I won't do it on the Yale network. My current roommate works for InfoSec, I work for ITS and it would just look really bad for her to have to yell at her roommate for a DMCA violation. I don't download as a guest on other people's networks, because if something bad happens, it's not their fault and I don't want to cause problems for them. It will happen at home, on my Mac Mini, through Transmission and a throttled download/upload rate so as not to hog the bandwidth.]
I'm not a terrible, unethical person for doing this. I'm someone who's frustrated by the system. I see a workaround, and though it's not my first choice, it will get the job done and I will get what I want in the end. I understand that some people might have issues with my choices, but as I've explained, I've looked for reasonable, legal means to get what I want. They don't exist. And I'm not the only person with this issue, either. Until CBS gets its head on straight, I'm going to download and watch content at my leisure.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Things overheard in the office: Thursday Edition
"You never know, you might want the goat." - coworker Jim to coworker Bryan
I'm not sure I can really even try to successfully put it into context.
I'm not sure I can really even try to successfully put it into context.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Never mind, I'm still angry
Today's theme definitely turned into a variation of "FUCK YOU I AM AWESOME AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT". Which is the decidedly less-then-polite way of saying that I didn't have the best day ever. And no, I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that I am really, really ready for life to stop being the emotional roller coaster from hell. I cannot DEAL with this. I am an emotional person - always have been and always will be so I might as well accept that fact - and us emotional people do not do well when everything is dumped on us at once. We cry. We get super sensitive. We lash out and cling and scream like banshees, all at the same time. You think it's scary being the observer? Try being the banshee.
It's not like there is an on/off switch for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Somedays it feels less like my heart and more like a giant target that screams "I'M RIGHT HERE, HIT ME!!" I am so.sick.of.it. And before you ask, yes, I am getting help. But the help doesn't help overnight. It's not a band aid (actually it's more like ripping one off, some days). And I'm not going figure out how to cope instantaneously. There is work. And I'm not usually one to be a slacker or unwilling to pull my weight, but I'd honestly rather bathe Parker all day than deal with some of the issues that are coming up.
But there are some things in life that you don't get a choice in, not if you want to be healthy and productive. Dealing with all of this...this sheer and utter crapshoot that my emotions have become is one of those not-so-awesome but important non-choices. And I hate that some of the control has been taken away from me. I hate not having complete ownership of myself. (I have control issues. Deal with it, because I'm tired of dealing with everything else.) I hate the feelings of loss and confusion, and the idea that other people have so much power over me - the power to turn my day from OK to awful with a few sentences or words. You can't tell me "They only have as much control as you give them." Bullshit. When your emotions are running mere centimeters below the surface, it's awfully freaking hard to not let other people affect you.
I don't want a pity party. I don't you to pat my hand and tell me that everything will ok with enough time and patience. Because it won't be. Time does not heal all things. And I suck at being patient. My life will not magically fix itself. I want people to stop looking at me like I'm crazy because I had a bad day. I have had a lot of bad days in the past 4 months, and I seriously doubt that I'm going to stop having them just because some people are uncomfortable with them.
My grandfather died. I was the driving force behind and planned my grandfather's memorial (with help from my mom and siblings). My ex-boyfriend made some very, very bad decisions and hurt me in ways that most people won't understand because I'm trying to be a mature person and respect his privacy, and because they haven't lived my life. An IT staff member from my alma mater passed away, as did my mother's accompanist. While I wasn't very close to the former, the latter and his family were good family friends. My grandmother was in the hospital this week. Other family members are dealing with things that I know are serious, and I'm worried for them. I have multiple friends in multiple states who are facing serious life decisions, and who come to me because I'm the "rational" one. In short, shit has gone down. It's still going down. And I'm dealing with it, but y'all have got to trust me when I say that I will get through it in my own way and own time.
I'm asking that you respect my anger and my hurt. They are going to be around for a while. I'll get through them, but it will be at my pace. I have to figure a lot of this out on my own terms, because I'm the one that to live with me. I love you all, but you don't get to live inside my head, and you don't have to sleep next to me at night. I do. I have to live with myself and my decisions.
(And in case anyone is thinking that now is a good time to talk to me about faith and reintroducing god into my life, and have to poor sense to bring such a subject up, I swear that you will be on the receiving end of the most terrifying conversation of your life. You will learn that I really do have the mouth of a Shakespearean sailor, among many other things. We will probably stop talking for several years after that conversation, and I will be sad to lose your friendship, but people who are insensitive idiots have no place in my life these days.)
Let's just say that I am really, really ready for life to stop being the emotional roller coaster from hell. I cannot DEAL with this. I am an emotional person - always have been and always will be so I might as well accept that fact - and us emotional people do not do well when everything is dumped on us at once. We cry. We get super sensitive. We lash out and cling and scream like banshees, all at the same time. You think it's scary being the observer? Try being the banshee.
It's not like there is an on/off switch for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Somedays it feels less like my heart and more like a giant target that screams "I'M RIGHT HERE, HIT ME!!" I am so.sick.of.it. And before you ask, yes, I am getting help. But the help doesn't help overnight. It's not a band aid (actually it's more like ripping one off, some days). And I'm not going figure out how to cope instantaneously. There is work. And I'm not usually one to be a slacker or unwilling to pull my weight, but I'd honestly rather bathe Parker all day than deal with some of the issues that are coming up.
But there are some things in life that you don't get a choice in, not if you want to be healthy and productive. Dealing with all of this...this sheer and utter crapshoot that my emotions have become is one of those not-so-awesome but important non-choices. And I hate that some of the control has been taken away from me. I hate not having complete ownership of myself. (I have control issues. Deal with it, because I'm tired of dealing with everything else.) I hate the feelings of loss and confusion, and the idea that other people have so much power over me - the power to turn my day from OK to awful with a few sentences or words. You can't tell me "They only have as much control as you give them." Bullshit. When your emotions are running mere centimeters below the surface, it's awfully freaking hard to not let other people affect you.
I don't want a pity party. I don't you to pat my hand and tell me that everything will ok with enough time and patience. Because it won't be. Time does not heal all things. And I suck at being patient. My life will not magically fix itself. I want people to stop looking at me like I'm crazy because I had a bad day. I have had a lot of bad days in the past 4 months, and I seriously doubt that I'm going to stop having them just because some people are uncomfortable with them.
My grandfather died. I was the driving force behind and planned my grandfather's memorial (with help from my mom and siblings). My ex-boyfriend made some very, very bad decisions and hurt me in ways that most people won't understand because I'm trying to be a mature person and respect his privacy, and because they haven't lived my life. An IT staff member from my alma mater passed away, as did my mother's accompanist. While I wasn't very close to the former, the latter and his family were good family friends. My grandmother was in the hospital this week. Other family members are dealing with things that I know are serious, and I'm worried for them. I have multiple friends in multiple states who are facing serious life decisions, and who come to me because I'm the "rational" one. In short, shit has gone down. It's still going down. And I'm dealing with it, but y'all have got to trust me when I say that I will get through it in my own way and own time.
I'm asking that you respect my anger and my hurt. They are going to be around for a while. I'll get through them, but it will be at my pace. I have to figure a lot of this out on my own terms, because I'm the one that to live with me. I love you all, but you don't get to live inside my head, and you don't have to sleep next to me at night. I do. I have to live with myself and my decisions.
(And in case anyone is thinking that now is a good time to talk to me about faith and reintroducing god into my life, and have to poor sense to bring such a subject up, I swear that you will be on the receiving end of the most terrifying conversation of your life. You will learn that I really do have the mouth of a Shakespearean sailor, among many other things. We will probably stop talking for several years after that conversation, and I will be sad to lose your friendship, but people who are insensitive idiots have no place in my life these days.)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Blank canvas
I really don't know what to say right now. I have nothing profound, no words of passion to share. Today I am a little tired, physically, emotionally and mentally, and I just don't have the drive to post something that will wow your socks off.
It's not that there's nothing going on in my life. Quite the opposite, in fact. ResNet preparations are gearing up, Bass Media stuff is getting ready to try out some new ideas (can't spill the beans on that one yet, though), new BMT training is back on track (and exciting), I'm getting better at throwing on the wheel, and I'm getting ready to jump into some new planning phases for choir. I'm trying really, really hard to remain positive every day, to be grateful for each day, and to spread joy and love to those around me. I'm focusing on how much good stuff I have going on for me. Some days it's easier than others, and when I'm a little down I've got a fantastic support system to keep me going.
Nothing overly dramatic has happened lately. Well, a family friend passed away last week, but he and I were not personally that close. Yes, his loss will be felt and I'm sure that my mother will never find the perfect accompanist for 8:00am Mass at Little Flower again; it's sad and I was sad. But it's not as dramatic as other things have been.
I'm no longer a sick and wheezy walking pile of mucus. So, WOO on that part.
If you follow me on Facebook you'll know that I'm pretty pissed about Notre Dame, Republicans in charge of Congress on state and national levels and that I Stand With Planned Parenthood. I'm concerned about workers' rights in Wisconsin, and while I'm not throwing my social networking weight behind the revolutions that are happening in the Middle East right now (probably because I feel that we need our own revolution at home right now), I am certainly sympathetic to their causes and cheering them on in the background. But I'm not going to blog about that today, either.
It's not that things don't interest me. I don't think I'm depressed, either. Trust me, I have been down that road and this is not the same feeling.
It's more...I want quiet time. Time for reflection and meditative regrouping. I have been through hell and back again in the last four months, with a couple of side trips to purgatory thrown in for good measure. I think I'm at the point where I'm done with the anger and the yelling and the "FUCK YOU I AM AWESOME AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT" attitude that I had - needed to have - to get myself through some tough personal stuff. It's time for the slightly calmer, perhaps more rational Erin to come back out. Though if I turn into a pensive hippie, someone should poke me with a stick or dangle a new gadget in front of me or something.
I have been so angry for so long that letting go of the anger is strange. The anger is a normal part of the grieving process, as is letting it go. It's not that there's a void - I don't miss being angry and miserable by ANY means - it's that I'm not sure what defines me at the moment. Anger has been my constant companion for the past 4 months. It has been standing next to me from the moment I get up to the moment I fall asleep. We developed a give and take, a daily pattern. It was a both a rock to cling to and a force that propelled me forward.
I'll move forward, day by day. I'll let go and find peace in myself, bit by bit. I'll get there, step by step.
It's not that there's nothing going on in my life. Quite the opposite, in fact. ResNet preparations are gearing up, Bass Media stuff is getting ready to try out some new ideas (can't spill the beans on that one yet, though), new BMT training is back on track (and exciting), I'm getting better at throwing on the wheel, and I'm getting ready to jump into some new planning phases for choir. I'm trying really, really hard to remain positive every day, to be grateful for each day, and to spread joy and love to those around me. I'm focusing on how much good stuff I have going on for me. Some days it's easier than others, and when I'm a little down I've got a fantastic support system to keep me going.
Nothing overly dramatic has happened lately. Well, a family friend passed away last week, but he and I were not personally that close. Yes, his loss will be felt and I'm sure that my mother will never find the perfect accompanist for 8:00am Mass at Little Flower again; it's sad and I was sad. But it's not as dramatic as other things have been.
I'm no longer a sick and wheezy walking pile of mucus. So, WOO on that part.
If you follow me on Facebook you'll know that I'm pretty pissed about Notre Dame, Republicans in charge of Congress on state and national levels and that I Stand With Planned Parenthood. I'm concerned about workers' rights in Wisconsin, and while I'm not throwing my social networking weight behind the revolutions that are happening in the Middle East right now (probably because I feel that we need our own revolution at home right now), I am certainly sympathetic to their causes and cheering them on in the background. But I'm not going to blog about that today, either.
It's not that things don't interest me. I don't think I'm depressed, either. Trust me, I have been down that road and this is not the same feeling.
It's more...I want quiet time. Time for reflection and meditative regrouping. I have been through hell and back again in the last four months, with a couple of side trips to purgatory thrown in for good measure. I think I'm at the point where I'm done with the anger and the yelling and the "FUCK YOU I AM AWESOME AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT" attitude that I had - needed to have - to get myself through some tough personal stuff. It's time for the slightly calmer, perhaps more rational Erin to come back out. Though if I turn into a pensive hippie, someone should poke me with a stick or dangle a new gadget in front of me or something.
I have been so angry for so long that letting go of the anger is strange. The anger is a normal part of the grieving process, as is letting it go. It's not that there's a void - I don't miss being angry and miserable by ANY means - it's that I'm not sure what defines me at the moment. Anger has been my constant companion for the past 4 months. It has been standing next to me from the moment I get up to the moment I fall asleep. We developed a give and take, a daily pattern. It was a both a rock to cling to and a force that propelled me forward.
I'll move forward, day by day. I'll let go and find peace in myself, bit by bit. I'll get there, step by step.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Truckin' on
I'm really thankful that it's the weekend. Mostly because I've run out of underthings and need to do laundry, and what better time to do it than when the entire apt building also has the same idea?
I'm really thankful, also, for a weekend full of good food and better friends. It will be filled with sushi, pho and dim sum. It's like we're traveling through Asia. With our stomachs, and tastebuds. Which is possibly the best way to travel, ever.
We're also having fun Baroque music times. If you're in the New Haven area on Sunday night, you should come check out the American Baroque Orchestra with me. 8pm, Trinity Baptist Church on State St. Be there. Because it will be epic. I will also potentially be wearing heels, which is an event in and of itself.
Now I'm going to spend some time yelling at the PC on my desk because it's doing weird things. The summary of the yelling is "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A MAC?"
I'm really thankful, also, for a weekend full of good food and better friends. It will be filled with sushi, pho and dim sum. It's like we're traveling through Asia. With our stomachs, and tastebuds. Which is possibly the best way to travel, ever.
We're also having fun Baroque music times. If you're in the New Haven area on Sunday night, you should come check out the American Baroque Orchestra with me. 8pm, Trinity Baptist Church on State St. Be there. Because it will be epic. I will also potentially be wearing heels, which is an event in and of itself.
Now I'm going to spend some time yelling at the PC on my desk because it's doing weird things. The summary of the yelling is "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A MAC?"
Monday, February 14, 2011
Guilty Pleasures
We have them. Late night snacks of Doritos with sour cream, fluff-filled books, reality TV shows: these are the habits and loves that we hide in shame from our friends and family. These are the things that we're not supposed to like, because they are low-brow, trashy or just plain unhealthy.
But they continue to exist, in abundance.
Today, let's expose some guilt.
I love Glee. I wasn't ever in a show choir, but I do fervently wish that I could break out in perfectly choreographed song and dance pretty much on a daily basis, complete with back up chorus of coworkers and a 5-piece band. Watching high school kids fulfill my musical fantasy is pretty awesome.
I read a lot of romance novels. I have an abundance of these little suckers from Amazon because they make a lot of them free for some reason. Don't know why; don't really care. Yes, it is essentially literary porn. As my friend Sarah once explained her minor addiction to them, "It's like a potato chip for the mind. We know that there are much healthier options out there, but damn it they taste so good."
I actually like some pop music. Britney Spears' newer stuff, Lady Gaga, some of Ke$ha's music - they have a good, heavy dance beat that I can sink into when I need energetic music to get work done. I pump out rapid-fire emails when I listen to my Trashy Pop station on Pandora like is it my JOB. (Well, it is, but you know. It's an expression.)
I will eat chocolate until I turn cocoa brown. I have ZERO control over myself when it comes to chocolate.
These are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure I have more. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Because these things are part of me even if you don't like them. Now, I'm going to go listen to Rhianna sing something about being an awesome girl while I wade through the 1,000+ emails that are sitting in my inbox.
But they continue to exist, in abundance.
Today, let's expose some guilt.
I love Glee. I wasn't ever in a show choir, but I do fervently wish that I could break out in perfectly choreographed song and dance pretty much on a daily basis, complete with back up chorus of coworkers and a 5-piece band. Watching high school kids fulfill my musical fantasy is pretty awesome.
I read a lot of romance novels. I have an abundance of these little suckers from Amazon because they make a lot of them free for some reason. Don't know why; don't really care. Yes, it is essentially literary porn. As my friend Sarah once explained her minor addiction to them, "It's like a potato chip for the mind. We know that there are much healthier options out there, but damn it they taste so good."
I actually like some pop music. Britney Spears' newer stuff, Lady Gaga, some of Ke$ha's music - they have a good, heavy dance beat that I can sink into when I need energetic music to get work done. I pump out rapid-fire emails when I listen to my Trashy Pop station on Pandora like is it my JOB. (Well, it is, but you know. It's an expression.)
I will eat chocolate until I turn cocoa brown. I have ZERO control over myself when it comes to chocolate.
These are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure I have more. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Because these things are part of me even if you don't like them. Now, I'm going to go listen to Rhianna sing something about being an awesome girl while I wade through the 1,000+ emails that are sitting in my inbox.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Vacation
On Monday I went to Florida for a couple of days at an all inclusive resort.
On Tuesday my phone was stolen. I did have a kick ass massage and body wrap, though.
On Wednesday I woke up with a cold.
On Wednesday afternoon I realized that I didn't have the camera and didn't remember having it since the second leg of the flight.
On Thursday the psoriasis on my eyelids came back and I started barking like a dog instead of talking.
On Friday I started having weird sinus pain.
On Saturday we had to change flights before they were canceled and the resort wouldn't let us stay for free (if the flight had been canceled, we would have been able to, but it wasn't going to be canceled until the second leg of the trip, thus leaving us rhetorically stranded in Charlotte, NC).
My sleep between Saturday and Sunday was the most fucked up it's ever been because I took Nyquil in an effort to get more sleep. Instead, I was plagued by paranoia-laced dreams and minor hallucinations every time I woke up. WTF was in that Nyquil?!!?
Sunday was spent with my companion and her really nice aunt and uncle who also took us to dinner on Saturday AND bought us chocolate. Gold stars, all the way.
Tomorrow will be spent at the doctor's, and hopefully reactivating the old phone so that I can use it until the new one comes in.
On Tuesday my phone was stolen. I did have a kick ass massage and body wrap, though.
On Wednesday I woke up with a cold.
On Wednesday afternoon I realized that I didn't have the camera and didn't remember having it since the second leg of the flight.
On Thursday the psoriasis on my eyelids came back and I started barking like a dog instead of talking.
On Friday I started having weird sinus pain.
On Saturday we had to change flights before they were canceled and the resort wouldn't let us stay for free (if the flight had been canceled, we would have been able to, but it wasn't going to be canceled until the second leg of the trip, thus leaving us rhetorically stranded in Charlotte, NC).
My sleep between Saturday and Sunday was the most fucked up it's ever been because I took Nyquil in an effort to get more sleep. Instead, I was plagued by paranoia-laced dreams and minor hallucinations every time I woke up. WTF was in that Nyquil?!!?
Sunday was spent with my companion and her really nice aunt and uncle who also took us to dinner on Saturday AND bought us chocolate. Gold stars, all the way.
Tomorrow will be spent at the doctor's, and hopefully reactivating the old phone so that I can use it until the new one comes in.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
"You'll find someone worth it someday"
I was talking to our previous business manager earlier this week (he moved departments, got a raise, etc.) working to solve a "since you're gone, who does this?" question. He's always taken a big brother-ly approach to our relationship, and always asks how I'm doing, how my family is doing, do I need help with anything, etc. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met, and I'm very sad that he's no longer our business manager.
In the course of all of the drama of the last 3 months, he had an idea of what was going on. He was genuinely concerned for my welfare and well-being, especially when he found out that within one hour as I drive through New Jersey my life sort of exploded. He's been there if I needed a sympathetic ear and always says the right (if clichéd) thing: "You don't need that kind of person in your life. You have too much going for you in every other place in your life right now that someone with that kind of behavior is just going to hold you back" and "Relationships are hard. Dating sucks. But when you find that right person, it will ALL be worth it."
He asked me the other day what I was doing, dating-wise (Not in a creepy way! He's quite possibly the least creepy person I know!). Was I ready to start dating again, and put myself back out there? Was I mentally ready for that?
The answers, both then and now, are complicated. Following the "I just got out of a relationship" rule (which is something like every month that you're in a committed relationship = one week of non-dating), I should emotionally/mentally be ready to start dating about now. 13 months = 13 weeks. Break up was the beginning of November and we're now approaching February, so hey! Datin' time, right?
Yes, I know that this is obviously completely optional. There are no rules when it comes to your head and your heart. Nothing ever makes sense and nothing really will, ever. You just kind of have to wing it the entire time, as you learn what your boundaries are and what you can and can't compromise with.
But I honestly have absolutely no interest in dating right now. (Sex, however, is a different subject.) Dating is WORK.
I know myself pretty well at this point. I'm not patient, I love efficiency when it comes to work and chores, and I have definite opinions on everything from how much money is being spent on war and military funds to Dante. I love to create things, nuture them and watch them grow. I crave order, structure, rational functions and directions. I make contingency plans because I don't like the unexpected. I like small surprises, such as gifts of hugs or candy but I can't stand major ones. I am independent. I can occasionally have the mouth of a creative sailor. I can be spontaneous when the setting are right.
I am not an easy person to date. I have expectations. I have requirements. And I'm at that point where anyone who thinks that I need to adjust them or get rid of them entirely is quite possibly an idiot. That's what life is: a series of requirements that you make for yourself. It's often unconscious and intangible, but at the end of the day, that's what we do. I make goals at work (with the dreaded FOCUS forms), I make goals professionally, I make goals artistically and for my every day life. I'm going to have relationship goals. There are requirements in every other aspect of my life, and I'd be an idiot myself to think that I could date the first Joe off the street. I mean, what if they're part of the Tea Party and like Republican talk radio?!
I'm sure that I'll get back out there, at some point. And I'm not anti-men at the moment. I'm just... Pro-Erin. I need and want to focus on me and my skills and my life and my current relationships with friends and family. It's going to be like that for a while, I think. I'm happy being me, and I need to stay happy being me.
In the course of all of the drama of the last 3 months, he had an idea of what was going on. He was genuinely concerned for my welfare and well-being, especially when he found out that within one hour as I drive through New Jersey my life sort of exploded. He's been there if I needed a sympathetic ear and always says the right (if clichéd) thing: "You don't need that kind of person in your life. You have too much going for you in every other place in your life right now that someone with that kind of behavior is just going to hold you back" and "Relationships are hard. Dating sucks. But when you find that right person, it will ALL be worth it."
He asked me the other day what I was doing, dating-wise (Not in a creepy way! He's quite possibly the least creepy person I know!). Was I ready to start dating again, and put myself back out there? Was I mentally ready for that?
The answers, both then and now, are complicated. Following the "I just got out of a relationship" rule (which is something like every month that you're in a committed relationship = one week of non-dating), I should emotionally/mentally be ready to start dating about now. 13 months = 13 weeks. Break up was the beginning of November and we're now approaching February, so hey! Datin' time, right?
Yes, I know that this is obviously completely optional. There are no rules when it comes to your head and your heart. Nothing ever makes sense and nothing really will, ever. You just kind of have to wing it the entire time, as you learn what your boundaries are and what you can and can't compromise with.
But I honestly have absolutely no interest in dating right now. (Sex, however, is a different subject.) Dating is WORK.
- Dating is emotionally exhausting: Do they like me? Do I really like them or is it just my desperate libido talking? Why aren't they calling? Does this shirt make me look fat?
- Dating takes time: Organize the date, vet the date (are they sane?), the date itself, getting ready for the date, calling all your girlfriends after the date to analyze it in excruciating detail...
I have a fairly active life: choir, choir board/steering committee, art classes, friends, work, professional organization, volunteering, dog. Where the hell am I going to find time for a date in that?
- Dating is uncomfortable: Once upon a time I was on my third date with this guy and he kept making God references, so I felt it was time to get that whole atheist-feminist-tree hugger stuff out into the open. He didn't call me back for 2 weeks. Clearly there was an awkward turtle moment in there for him. (I'm still not sure why he called me at all, if he had that much to work out in his head.)
- Dating is weird. I mean, the concept of going out to meet people for the specific goal of finding someone that you can actually stand for long periods of time while carrying on a robust sexual relationship, anthropologically, is fascinating. OK, yes, totally better than my parents hooking me up with someone, but so many other cultures focus on either one of two things: keeping it in the tribe, or taking it out completely. It's not based wholly on "Are we compatible? Do I think I love you?" but "Is this what's best for our society and culture?" The fact that we have several hundred websites dedicated to finding you that special someone speaks volumes to the expectations we have as a sexually confused and emotionally stunted society.
I know myself pretty well at this point. I'm not patient, I love efficiency when it comes to work and chores, and I have definite opinions on everything from how much money is being spent on war and military funds to Dante. I love to create things, nuture them and watch them grow. I crave order, structure, rational functions and directions. I make contingency plans because I don't like the unexpected. I like small surprises, such as gifts of hugs or candy but I can't stand major ones. I am independent. I can occasionally have the mouth of a creative sailor. I can be spontaneous when the setting are right.
I am not an easy person to date. I have expectations. I have requirements. And I'm at that point where anyone who thinks that I need to adjust them or get rid of them entirely is quite possibly an idiot. That's what life is: a series of requirements that you make for yourself. It's often unconscious and intangible, but at the end of the day, that's what we do. I make goals at work (with the dreaded FOCUS forms), I make goals professionally, I make goals artistically and for my every day life. I'm going to have relationship goals. There are requirements in every other aspect of my life, and I'd be an idiot myself to think that I could date the first Joe off the street. I mean, what if they're part of the Tea Party and like Republican talk radio?!
I'm sure that I'll get back out there, at some point. And I'm not anti-men at the moment. I'm just... Pro-Erin. I need and want to focus on me and my skills and my life and my current relationships with friends and family. It's going to be like that for a while, I think. I'm happy being me, and I need to stay happy being me.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
We're a little better now
I don't have some deadlines looming over my head any longer, which makes me less stressed.
I got some clarification on a project, which gives me guidance.
I got permission to buy some basic business cards for the Bass Media program. Which is mostly just nice.
I have a basic plan outlined for projects, which allows me to focus on now stuff now, and next week stuff next week.
I fixed my humidifier. Turns out I have an unlevel floor, which affects the water level meter thingy, which in turn creates a cranky humidifier. Wedge under one foot = happy humidifier!
I have a new book to read from Michelle, which makes me insanely happy because it's a for pleasure book instead of a work read book. Media is interesting and all, but sometimes I need something else.
Dear Sanity,
Please come back into my life. I miss you!
Love, Erin
I got some clarification on a project, which gives me guidance.
I got permission to buy some basic business cards for the Bass Media program. Which is mostly just nice.
I have a basic plan outlined for projects, which allows me to focus on now stuff now, and next week stuff next week.
I fixed my humidifier. Turns out I have an unlevel floor, which affects the water level meter thingy, which in turn creates a cranky humidifier. Wedge under one foot = happy humidifier!
I have a new book to read from Michelle, which makes me insanely happy because it's a for pleasure book instead of a work read book. Media is interesting and all, but sometimes I need something else.
Dear Sanity,
Please come back into my life. I miss you!
Love, Erin
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