There's something to be said about the awkwardness that follows a breakup. Mostly, that it sucks. And that the only thing I can do at this point to keep myself from crying all the time is to laugh at it.
There are some people to whom the explanations come easy: best friends, parents and siblings, mentors, bosses, some coworkers with parental leanings - the people who you see or talk to on a near-daily basis. They understand all of the layers, because they've been around for a lot of them as they developed. They understand your need to vent, and generally are awesome for you. They just get it.
Then there's the next level - people who hear that you've been out for near two weeks because your grandfather died, people who want to wish you well. Choir members, people on facebook, people you see at work every so often because you work in the same dept. "How've you been?" is a constant question. "The short answer is 'not so awesome.' The longer answer requires bribery in the form of sugar or alcohol," is the constant answer.
The really special conversations happen with general acquaintances. Explaining to one of the Peabody Museum volunteer coordinators, for example, that I'd no longer be taking the community kits out with le ex because, well, he's le ex. And someday we might be able to do it together again, but for now, I'd really appreciate some time and space sans le ex. Or, talking with the downstairs neighbors. Via email. Because they're borrowing some of the equipment you manage. And then they wish you, the ex and your dog a Merry Christmas (I decided to just respond with "Merry Christmas to you, too!"). Awkward turtle, much?
Another memorable moment was explaining to my younger brother why I broke up with le ex. He asked what happened, so I told him. I'm not going to lie to my brother (actually, I'd rather him learn from le ex's mistakes so that HE doesn't pull stupid shit on some unsuspecting significant other in the future). "I don't hate him, Andrew, but I'm very, very angry and hurt. I'll probably be angry for a while. Sometimes, you just can't deal with someone hurting you any more, and you have to call it quits. He made a really big mistake that I couldn't deal with then, and I can't help him with now. It doesn't make him a bad person. ...It does make him an idiot, though." Luckily, my almost-13 year-old brother seemed to have a fairly decent grasp of everything. Or maybe that's most 13-year-olds. I don't know; I try to keep my interactions with pre-teens to a minimum.
Actually, I think my favorite exchange was with my coworker, Bryan. He does magic things with Active Directory, LabStats, and Windows machines. Also, we argue. A lot. All the time, about everything. Good-naturedly, of course.
Wednesday, Nov. 3
Bryan: So what happened?
Erin: Well, I found out that my grandfather is in the hospital and then 20 minutes later I learned that le ex [insert really stupid shit that le ex pulled]. I broke up with him on Monday.
Bryan: ....Wow. I'm sorry.
Erin: I'm not.
Bryan: *stares, and then starts laughing* Wow, I guess that's one way to react.
What else can I do at this point, but laugh? I've cried so much I've given myself hiccups and headaches. I've driven so much that I get twitchy when I think about driving anything over 30 minutes. I've taken over the bed so much that.... wait, no, I like having the whole bed to myself. Nevermind that.
My point is, that even though I have these incredibly flippant answers and attitudes towards things right now - especially my breakup - is that I'm not trying to make fun of le ex (ok, well maybe a little). This is how I'm coping. When I stress, I either watch funny things to make myself laugh or try to make others laugh. Because if I'm laughing, I'm not crying. And if I'm making others laugh, they aren't feeling sorry for me. Just for that one instant, we're all OK, like nothing ever happened. And it's those little moments of OK-ness that keep me going every day.
So, just let me laugh, and laugh with me. Please. It's all I've got right now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Hell in a Handbasket. Maybe we forgot the basket?
So, I haven't updated in over a month. Here's a summary of what's happened since mid-October.
Halloween Weekend: Went to DC for the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. It was interesting. Then did the DC Challenge with friends, which is basically a DC scavenger hunt that sends you on a 10 mile walking/running tour of the city. My legs hated me the next day.
Driving back from Halloween Weekend, specifically while I was sitting in a traffic jam: Found out from my dad that his first choice employee, who stopped the candidate hunt mid-search, was again interested in him/starting the hunt again. OY. Also, his father was in the hospital. Minor detail, maybe. Also, maybe I should start thinking about coming home in the next few weeks. In case something happens.
Then I talked to le boyfriend, and found out that he A Major Fuck Up over the weekend. (No, he didn't cheat on me. But it was bad. I'll be a nice person and not go into details.)
At this point my brain ceased most functions other than the ones that would get me safely home through New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. I stopped processing, because that would involve a major freak out.
Monday, Nov. 1: I tell boss lady that there's crap going on at home; her response is "If you need to go home, go home. It'll be OK here." Boss Lady is subsequently elevated to sainthood. Le boyfriend becomes le ex. I go to a friend's house for dinner. And wine. Oh, there was a lot of wine. And my grandfather has a broken pelvic bone.
Tuesday: Took a mental health day from work. Spent the day reading in bed with the dog.
Wednesday: Grandpa is moved to Hospice. Plans are made to leave for IN on Sunday.
Somewhere in here, le ex tries to talk to me and all I can say is things like "you don't want to talk to me right now" and give signals of "GO AWAY." Apparently I need to work on my "GO AWAY" skills.
Friday: Friend has operation, is on drugs and hilarious. Spent the evening with her and her mother. Then I get a phone call at 11:00pm from Home. Late phone calls from my mother are NOT a good thing. Grandpa passed away; we'll keep you updated on details. I stay the night with the high friend.
The next few days are still a blur in my memory. I had several awesome people who looked out for me - had me stay with them so that I wouldn't be alone, fed me, hugged me, watched stupid TV shows with me. I'm not religious, and I don't believe in fluffy god crap, but I had angels with me those days. Also, I lost some of said angels keys.
I left on Tuesday, stayed the night in Lorain with more angels in Ohio. I came home and spent time with my family, especially my grandmothers. Gma Scott needed someone, and I was happy to be there for and with her. Gma Schwerha and I have always been close, and we enjoy spending time together whenever we can.
The interment was Friday at Ft. Custer National Cemetery. We had a memorial service at the retirement home on Saturday. My sister and brother read Bible passages, I read a poem. People commented that I read nice and slow - truthfully it's because by the middle passages, I could barely speak. My father had a eulogy where he talked about Peter Pan and thinking happy thoughts, my siblings and I sang together.
During the last song I completely lost it. I stood in front of 50+ people with tears streaming down my face. And didn't care. I had lost so much that week. The only thing left I could do was cry.
Afterwards, my mother held me while I sobbed. We've had our issues over the years, but one thing I've learned since becoming less of a brat and more of an adult, is that a good mom will let you cry on her shoulder whenever you need it. Because that's what moms do. And that waterproof make up is the way to go 90% of the time, because you never know when you'll need it.
I'm very thankful that my family managed to overcome some weird emotional tug-of-wars that were going on. We all grieve differently, and I think that we all came to realize that, and at least acknowledge it if not understand. I also found out that some people were different than I had been led to believe, in some aspects. I'm now exploring a closer relationship with my cousin and I'm really excited about that.
The next couple of months are not going to be easy. Between my grandfather's passing, the breakup, and that stupid Seasonal Affective Disorder, this winter will probably be one of my roughest. But I'm a smart girl. I'm getting help. I've got friends who are amazing. I've got a really good health plan that will pay for counseling. And I'm getting one of those light therapy thingys. I'm starting to pursue some Serious(ly fun) Art Classes, to get back into the groove of things and put together a portfolio so that I can get an MFA. I'm rearranging the apartment so that it's more livable for 2 people instead of 3. I'm spending lots of cuddle time with Parker, and I'm learning to crochet. I'll get through this, one day at a time.
Halloween Weekend: Went to DC for the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. It was interesting. Then did the DC Challenge with friends, which is basically a DC scavenger hunt that sends you on a 10 mile walking/running tour of the city. My legs hated me the next day.
Driving back from Halloween Weekend, specifically while I was sitting in a traffic jam: Found out from my dad that his first choice employee, who stopped the candidate hunt mid-search, was again interested in him/starting the hunt again. OY. Also, his father was in the hospital. Minor detail, maybe. Also, maybe I should start thinking about coming home in the next few weeks. In case something happens.
Then I talked to le boyfriend, and found out that he A Major Fuck Up over the weekend. (No, he didn't cheat on me. But it was bad. I'll be a nice person and not go into details.)
At this point my brain ceased most functions other than the ones that would get me safely home through New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. I stopped processing, because that would involve a major freak out.
Monday, Nov. 1: I tell boss lady that there's crap going on at home; her response is "If you need to go home, go home. It'll be OK here." Boss Lady is subsequently elevated to sainthood. Le boyfriend becomes le ex. I go to a friend's house for dinner. And wine. Oh, there was a lot of wine. And my grandfather has a broken pelvic bone.
Tuesday: Took a mental health day from work. Spent the day reading in bed with the dog.
Wednesday: Grandpa is moved to Hospice. Plans are made to leave for IN on Sunday.
Somewhere in here, le ex tries to talk to me and all I can say is things like "you don't want to talk to me right now" and give signals of "GO AWAY." Apparently I need to work on my "GO AWAY" skills.
Friday: Friend has operation, is on drugs and hilarious. Spent the evening with her and her mother. Then I get a phone call at 11:00pm from Home. Late phone calls from my mother are NOT a good thing. Grandpa passed away; we'll keep you updated on details. I stay the night with the high friend.
The next few days are still a blur in my memory. I had several awesome people who looked out for me - had me stay with them so that I wouldn't be alone, fed me, hugged me, watched stupid TV shows with me. I'm not religious, and I don't believe in fluffy god crap, but I had angels with me those days. Also, I lost some of said angels keys.
I left on Tuesday, stayed the night in Lorain with more angels in Ohio. I came home and spent time with my family, especially my grandmothers. Gma Scott needed someone, and I was happy to be there for and with her. Gma Schwerha and I have always been close, and we enjoy spending time together whenever we can.
The interment was Friday at Ft. Custer National Cemetery. We had a memorial service at the retirement home on Saturday. My sister and brother read Bible passages, I read a poem. People commented that I read nice and slow - truthfully it's because by the middle passages, I could barely speak. My father had a eulogy where he talked about Peter Pan and thinking happy thoughts, my siblings and I sang together.
During the last song I completely lost it. I stood in front of 50+ people with tears streaming down my face. And didn't care. I had lost so much that week. The only thing left I could do was cry.
Afterwards, my mother held me while I sobbed. We've had our issues over the years, but one thing I've learned since becoming less of a brat and more of an adult, is that a good mom will let you cry on her shoulder whenever you need it. Because that's what moms do. And that waterproof make up is the way to go 90% of the time, because you never know when you'll need it.
I'm very thankful that my family managed to overcome some weird emotional tug-of-wars that were going on. We all grieve differently, and I think that we all came to realize that, and at least acknowledge it if not understand. I also found out that some people were different than I had been led to believe, in some aspects. I'm now exploring a closer relationship with my cousin and I'm really excited about that.
The next couple of months are not going to be easy. Between my grandfather's passing, the breakup, and that stupid Seasonal Affective Disorder, this winter will probably be one of my roughest. But I'm a smart girl. I'm getting help. I've got friends who are amazing. I've got a really good health plan that will pay for counseling. And I'm getting one of those light therapy thingys. I'm starting to pursue some Serious(ly fun) Art Classes, to get back into the groove of things and put together a portfolio so that I can get an MFA. I'm rearranging the apartment so that it's more livable for 2 people instead of 3. I'm spending lots of cuddle time with Parker, and I'm learning to crochet. I'll get through this, one day at a time.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Daily Photo: Soldiers and Sailors Monument
This is one of the figures on the Soldiers and Sailors Monument at East Rock Park in New Haven, CT. I like her book. :-)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Daily Photo: Mayflower II
Le boyfriend and I went to see Plymouth Plantation and the Mayflower II on our way out of Cape Cod. That's a really, really big rope. "You and your fuckin' rope..." kept running through my mind while we were looking at it. Boondock Saints = awesome.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Daily Photo: Mini Dock
At the edge of my Grandma's property, there runs a creek. I've had a love-hate relationship with that creek for my entire life: it's awesome, because ducks come and hang out up at the house from the creek (love ducks), less awesome because sometimes there are Canadian geese (freaking HATE geese), and some days, it just sucks because the water is super muddy/gross and I'm not stepping in that stuff. My cousins, Ben and Nate, have no such issue and would spend many hours of their visits hanging out in the creek, while I sat in the air conditioned house.The neighbors have a little dock that I think I've seen a kayak/canoe tied up to maybe twice. Totally underused. But, it makes for a pretty picture.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Daily Photo: Livin' in the Heartlands
Taken on my way to see my friend Sarah, in Allen County, Indiana.
They call us "Michiana" (I know, it's weird.)
Coming home is always bittersweet. I'm so happy to see everyone who is here and retrace familiar steps, but the evidence for leaving rears its ugly head soon enough. Like the conservative junk that I see on the TV and read in the paper.
I spent Wednesday driving around southern Michigan, seeing my grandparents in Kalamazoo (best city name ever, if you ask me), my friend Mars and her new family in Jackson, down into South Bend to see some of my SMC family at Fiddler's Hearth, and finally back to Elkhart. I took the back ways for most of the trip - not the Toll Road or 94 - and it was well worth it. "Were I not on a schedule…" I kept thinking as I meandered through some of my favorite landscapes.
For those of you that don't know, southern Michigan is not quite like northern Indiana. It's like the magical state line somehow changes something. There are more trees and the hills start to swell here and there. As you go through the farmlands, there is a certain joy and serenity that I don't feel when driving though my section of northern Indiana.
The scenery was perfect. The corn fields are drying out, almost leeched of their green volume. The overcast sky hasn't allowed the sun to burn the mist off yet, and gray pockets hide things. Some of the trees have started to turn, peeks of yellow and red through the misty fields. The soybean crops have all turned their happy yellow gold, which is muted by the foggy mist. I am reminded me of a dancer with a translucent, teasing scarf. I am not able to see everything, which is tantalizing and comforting all at once. I want it to go on forever. Barns and farmhouses - old and new - dot the landscape near the roads just frequently enough to be picturesque. Knowing that at the end of each segment there awaits family and friends makes the drive sweeter, and less tedious.
Sadly, I was on a tight time schedule, so I didn't have the opportunity to stop and take pictures. But I promise, it was lovely.
I spent Wednesday driving around southern Michigan, seeing my grandparents in Kalamazoo (best city name ever, if you ask me), my friend Mars and her new family in Jackson, down into South Bend to see some of my SMC family at Fiddler's Hearth, and finally back to Elkhart. I took the back ways for most of the trip - not the Toll Road or 94 - and it was well worth it. "Were I not on a schedule…" I kept thinking as I meandered through some of my favorite landscapes.
For those of you that don't know, southern Michigan is not quite like northern Indiana. It's like the magical state line somehow changes something. There are more trees and the hills start to swell here and there. As you go through the farmlands, there is a certain joy and serenity that I don't feel when driving though my section of northern Indiana.
The scenery was perfect. The corn fields are drying out, almost leeched of their green volume. The overcast sky hasn't allowed the sun to burn the mist off yet, and gray pockets hide things. Some of the trees have started to turn, peeks of yellow and red through the misty fields. The soybean crops have all turned their happy yellow gold, which is muted by the foggy mist. I am reminded me of a dancer with a translucent, teasing scarf. I am not able to see everything, which is tantalizing and comforting all at once. I want it to go on forever. Barns and farmhouses - old and new - dot the landscape near the roads just frequently enough to be picturesque. Knowing that at the end of each segment there awaits family and friends makes the drive sweeter, and less tedious.
Sadly, I was on a tight time schedule, so I didn't have the opportunity to stop and take pictures. But I promise, it was lovely.
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