So, I haven't updated in over a month. Here's a summary of what's happened since mid-October.
Halloween Weekend: Went to DC for the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. It was interesting. Then did the DC Challenge with friends, which is basically a DC scavenger hunt that sends you on a 10 mile walking/running tour of the city. My legs hated me the next day.
Driving back from Halloween Weekend, specifically while I was sitting in a traffic jam: Found out from my dad that his first choice employee, who stopped the candidate hunt mid-search, was again interested in him/starting the hunt again. OY. Also, his father was in the hospital. Minor detail, maybe. Also, maybe I should start thinking about coming home in the next few weeks. In case something happens.
Then I talked to le boyfriend, and found out that he A Major Fuck Up over the weekend. (No, he didn't cheat on me. But it was bad. I'll be a nice person and not go into details.)
At this point my brain ceased most functions other than the ones that would get me safely home through New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. I stopped processing, because that would involve a major freak out.
Monday, Nov. 1: I tell boss lady that there's crap going on at home; her response is "If you need to go home, go home. It'll be OK here." Boss Lady is subsequently elevated to sainthood. Le boyfriend becomes le ex. I go to a friend's house for dinner. And wine. Oh, there was a lot of wine. And my grandfather has a broken pelvic bone.
Tuesday: Took a mental health day from work. Spent the day reading in bed with the dog.
Wednesday: Grandpa is moved to Hospice. Plans are made to leave for IN on Sunday.
Somewhere in here, le ex tries to talk to me and all I can say is things like "you don't want to talk to me right now" and give signals of "GO AWAY." Apparently I need to work on my "GO AWAY" skills.
Friday: Friend has operation, is on drugs and hilarious. Spent the evening with her and her mother. Then I get a phone call at 11:00pm from Home. Late phone calls from my mother are NOT a good thing. Grandpa passed away; we'll keep you updated on details. I stay the night with the high friend.
The next few days are still a blur in my memory. I had several awesome people who looked out for me - had me stay with them so that I wouldn't be alone, fed me, hugged me, watched stupid TV shows with me. I'm not religious, and I don't believe in fluffy god crap, but I had angels with me those days. Also, I lost some of said angels keys.
I left on Tuesday, stayed the night in Lorain with more angels in Ohio. I came home and spent time with my family, especially my grandmothers. Gma Scott needed someone, and I was happy to be there for and with her. Gma Schwerha and I have always been close, and we enjoy spending time together whenever we can.
The interment was Friday at Ft. Custer National Cemetery. We had a memorial service at the retirement home on Saturday. My sister and brother read Bible passages, I read a poem. People commented that I read nice and slow - truthfully it's because by the middle passages, I could barely speak. My father had a eulogy where he talked about Peter Pan and thinking happy thoughts, my siblings and I sang together.
During the last song I completely lost it. I stood in front of 50+ people with tears streaming down my face. And didn't care. I had lost so much that week. The only thing left I could do was cry.
Afterwards, my mother held me while I sobbed. We've had our issues over the years, but one thing I've learned since becoming less of a brat and more of an adult, is that a good mom will let you cry on her shoulder whenever you need it. Because that's what moms do. And that waterproof make up is the way to go 90% of the time, because you never know when you'll need it.
I'm very thankful that my family managed to overcome some weird emotional tug-of-wars that were going on. We all grieve differently, and I think that we all came to realize that, and at least acknowledge it if not understand. I also found out that some people were different than I had been led to believe, in some aspects. I'm now exploring a closer relationship with my cousin and I'm really excited about that.
The next couple of months are not going to be easy. Between my grandfather's passing, the breakup, and that stupid Seasonal Affective Disorder, this winter will probably be one of my roughest. But I'm a smart girl. I'm getting help. I've got friends who are amazing. I've got a really good health plan that will pay for counseling. And I'm getting one of those light therapy thingys. I'm starting to pursue some Serious(ly fun) Art Classes, to get back into the groove of things and put together a portfolio so that I can get an MFA. I'm rearranging the apartment so that it's more livable for 2 people instead of 3. I'm spending lots of cuddle time with Parker, and I'm learning to crochet. I'll get through this, one day at a time.
